Posts tagged ‘submission’

To Maitre:

The following is a letter that I wrote Him. I’ve decided to make it an open letter. Why? Because I want to shout this to the world. But also because I can think of no better way to own my submission to him than to make it a public declaration.

Mon Cher Maitre-

You are so heavily on my mind today. Why more today than yesterday? I’m not sure maybe with today things have started to sink in a bit. As you mentioned this last couple of weeks have been filled with growth for Us and US.

This week especially I think. This week for the first time you’ve really taken steps to go where you want to take us. You have been testing my limits afresh, finding where that bit of resistance is that you will eventually push me past. You’ve started asking me to dig deeper and taking more freely. You’ve begun to degrade me and I just absolutely swoon when I think of this.

I love where we are going, though I can’t see what’s ahead very clearly (nor would I want to). I love that it brings us closer. I love that it excites us both (really beyond words for me). I love that it (I think) will entrench our dynamic that much more. I love that it makes the soft tender moments all the more soft and tender. I love that it makes me feel that much smaller and more helpless against you. I love all of it and I love what it does to my heart, my feelings for you. I can feel them unfolding in me, opening.

My desire to submit to you has grown to such a degree with the opening of our flood gates that it is visceral and beyond words. At long last I truly feel it in my gut and * know* I will degrade myself for your touch, your pain, your pleasure when the day comes that you ask it of me. I say “when”, because my gut tells me it’s not an “if”.

And when I think of all of this? I feel flooded. My muscles grow weak, my clit throbs and my heart fills.

Devotedly – Your little one

going back down

I think I’ve written some about feeling like I was coming unraveled
some from our D/s, losing our connection or perhaps it leveling out is more precise.

When I went in for surgery I gave him my “collar” (a ring) to hold on to, as you can’t wear any jewelry. Well, I finally took my collar back yesterday. Right after surgery I felt that I needed to wait. I felt
disconnected and unsure if I was staying in the relationship. I wanted
to really want it. I wanted it to mean as much as the first time not
for it to be just as reflex or something I was suppose to do. I wanted
to feel at least the desire to truly be submissive to him, if not to
feel the submission.

I am a lucky lady. I have a sweet and wonderful Dominant who gave me
the space I needed and understood the value of letting me come back to
it on my own. I am sure there are those out there who would say take
it or leave it…permanently. Had he done that I would have walked away.

So now I have come back of my own choice but that doesn’t mean that my feeling of submission to him is automatic. Far from it. We had begun
a subtle struggle for power, which he did not call me due to my health
and the emotional trauma of my diagnosis. Perhaps he didn’t really see
it till the other day when I saw it too. I know this reflex to push to
have things my way and to get the answers I want, when I want them,
won’t just disappear.

This where the work begins and I suspect it will be harder now than
when I first met him. When I first met him I was filled with grief and
while not looking to replace my Bear, was needing a safe haven. I was
looking for the person I could trust with my submissive desires, with
my grief and with my need to hurt. When I met Maitre and it became
obvious that I could trust him with all of this I easily and willingly
turned it over. It poured out of me along with my grief.

But now we are…well…We. The relationship we have is ours alone and
the original building block, of my submission to Bear cut short and it
the grief that went along with it, has worn away. Now, although my
desire is there and the trust in him is still there, things have
changed drastically. My trust in ‘life’ has slipped. Not only my
cancer diagnosis but the difficulty we have had in being together in
the past 2 months have worn it down. I feel a need to watch my
emotional back. I feel a need to be in control of my life and while
not really at odds with my submission, it is counter intuitive. And
lastly I find that I am angry and want to lash out. I find that I am
angry at life for getting in our way, angry at my body for turning
against me, angry at my Bear for dieing and not being here when I need
him and angry at Maitre for being unable to be with me when I needed
him. Yes, I know that none of these are rational. But they are there
just the same.

So the work begins…again…and perhaps for real this time. I will
struggle against myself. He will mold me to him. I told him the other
day that this is his chance to build a better mousetrap. While he
loved the way I came, and was appreciative and took moving forward
with me seriously, the submissive I was, was not truly His. He had not
shaped me. I think he once said it was like being bequeathed a high
end sports car. Now he gets to build his own.

My emotions are all over the place on this. Excitement, anticipation,
dread at the work both emotional and physical, impatience, sadness. I
think the hardest part consciously will be moving at a pace other than
what I define. I suspect (knowing me) that I will test him every step
of the way.

Another

I’m not sure where to start with this.

 

I have a dear friend that I have known for almost a year now. She and I have what Maitre calls a quietly flirtatious relationship. There is a sexual energy there that we don’t act on… well, I did get a sweet little kiss once.

 

I have teased on and off with joining us. He and I have discussed it. Well, this week the wheels have finally been put in motion. Now I find myself thinking about potentialities.

 

Now I know she would not nor could not replace me. I know he loves me and I know I have a very specially place in his heart. I know that what we crave fits exceptionally well and our souls fit exceptionally well together. As he would say we “get” each other.  But I am no fool. I know that you can love one person for who they are and love another for who they are. I know that just because I have this special place in him, that there is not a place for her as well.

 

So now I find myself wondering…what if. What if they became close, what if a bond formed, what if he asked me to accept her as my “sister”. The answer is I don’t know.

 

He is not hugely poly but does find the idea to have a certain attraction. I don’t think there is an overwhelming probability of this happening. He wishes he had more time to be with me. I doubt he’d want to divide what time he has between two.

 

But being who I am I have to think about it. The truth is that although my initial reaction is no, I don’t want to share him on that level, my desire to please him is very real and very deep. Once again, shades of Pygar’s last post. Would my desire to please him and serve him override my natural inclination?  Would I put him first even over my own emotional wellbeing? I believe my submission to him is far deeper than he has really tapped or maybe even realizes. Sometimes I wonder if it is so deep and my trust in him so thorough that I might at some point fail to take care of myself in this.

 

I am sure this is all hypothetical but I believe that asking myself these questions is important. I want to know who I am. And, should the future hold this possibility, I won’t be a stranger to what my soul holds.

He’s Home…and I am Back Where I Need to Be

I hadn’t realized exactly how much I had missed you, missed Us as well as US… how much I had missed THIS.  How right and good it felt for you to call me on my behavior with J! How good it felt to feel your strength, your boundaries, your compassion and your love again.  To once again have your fist in my hair, the sting of your palm on my face, to bend before your chi, to even have moments when I would rather hide than face you… all sublime, all much missed, all greatly loved.

It is in moments like these when my heart swells and I feel filled with Us that I marvel at it but aslo question it. No, I do not question Us. I question the why.

Why does it speak to me so dearly? Why does it thrill me so completely? Why is it that to feel you ‘over’ me fills my every fiber, makes my mouth water and makes my heart joyous in being brought to heal?

I could not have this with just anyone, this I know. I chose carefully, we chose one another carefully. I would have walked away from my search rather than embrace a hollow shell of submission with the wrong person. When knew that it was time to open my soul again, I never imagined that I would find one that would so move me. I never imagined I would find You. Honestly, in my heart of hearts,  I never thought that I would find another that I long to yield to, as I did Him. Another with whom the desire at times both crushes me under it’s weight and ignites my soul.  But I have and I do…. it’s just different, as it should be.

I have missed you so very much!

Baby Sitter

You know I think the next time he goes away for an extended period of time I’m going to ask him if he has a Dom friend under whose care he can put me. Not sexually, just that firm hand.  Why? I’ve been looking at some of what I’ve written and some of my interactions and I realize that they all have one thing in common…wanting a firm hand.       

I thought about my considering to break my rules and have J service me (see previous post).  When I followed the idea through to its ramifications and searched my heart I found that it was not just about contact and gratification. It was probably more about wanting to get a response out of him and wanting to be reined back in. I could undoubtedly argue very convincingly that I ought to have free rein with my sub, just as he has with his, but when I thought about it that wasn’t what I wanted. I simply wanted to feel his dominance, to be told no, to be punished to … well you get the idea.  

Then SirJohnDoe posted a comment to my previous and I found that although I wasn’t looking for his response, it felt good. It’s not anything in particular but I know it’s said by a Dom and I can imagine the chi behind it. It felt good.

And finally… I find myself being just a bit of a brat in my comments on another Dom blog.

All of these are attention and all of these are attention of Dominants.

True if I didn’t have Maitre in my life I would be fine. I’m completely capable of self direction. But OH! I so prefer to have that dominant male chi and when it’s gone I find that I crave it.

Masturbating is Worthless.

Masturbating is worthless. 

Ok, maybe that’s a bit harsh. But while it has its place in sating the immediate physical need it does nothing for the need for intimacy beside make it worse. There have been times in my life when I was solo that I’ve given it up all together. I would rather want physically than ache for a connection I cannot have.

So much of BDSM is couched in the sexual and I suppose for many it is predominantly sexual. I suppose those individuals would fall under top/bottom and s/m.  However, neither am I drawn to submission just for the sake of submission as are some people. I find that for me it is this heady mix of both the dynamic and the sexuality.

I find that in my submission is an intense connection to my loved one, my Dominant.  It is in the common knowledge of one another, it is in the trust, among other aspects. The greater my affection and regard for an individual the deeper my desire to submit. At it’s greatest depth It is in essence how I say “I love you”. My desire to sit at his feet, to hear him call me little one, or (secret weakness here) princess is far from the sexual. To be in his care, nurtured by him, watched over by him fills my heart. When my heart is full for him I would go anywhere that he would ask me (of course I do this in full knowledge that he would never abuse this power and his love for me keeps me safe).

But here is the part that doesn’t make sense…it all starts as sexual. Certainly my submission was not of any substantial depth early on and it most certainly started as sexual. It started with baby steps of trust. It started with what little submission I was willing to give at the start. So in the end it comes full circle doesn’t it. Sexual, leads to emotional, leads to a deeper sexuality and a deeper level of emotional connection.

I suppose vanilla relationships work the same way but with somewhat less at stake.

I’m just missing him and wanting to write. I’m not sure this is really of any worth of relevance to anything. Thanks for indulging me.

Gestures

I think for many the “D” and the “s” in the D/s is physical. It’s either in their physical play or manifest in tasks and rituals. I think that is less true for me. Don’t get me wrong, I adore our physical play. A good beating gets me very wet. BUT… those moments of deepest submission, the highest I’ve ever flown? Have been emotional.

 

I remember the first time he asked me if I loved him. We were playing and I was out there. It was meant to be difficult and it was. I am not one to say something just to appease or for the sake of play. So I struggled for a moment, I searched my heart and I told him… “Yes, I love you.”… the effect on me was like nothing I had ever felt before. As the words came tumbling out of my mouth, my consciousness went spinning after them.

 

When my feelings for him are deeply submissive, the gestures I think of all have psychological and emotional implications far beyond that of a good beating. I think of sitting at his feet, I think of the challenge of doing something for him that I really do not care to do, I think of literally being under his heel.

 

And then the other day I thought of something, that felt so real and so visceral, whose archetypal implications are truly submissive beyond question. Saturday in the shower, without his bidding I knelt and kissed each foot gently once. 

 

When I feel this way, not matter if I’m with him or not, my heart swells and longs him, and my eyes moisten.  So yesterday, when he slipped his collar on,  my heart felt quiet and settled. I felt like I had come home.

 

My point? That such a simple symbol could have such an affect.

The Anima and The Animus

Anima and animus – Carl Jung

As Maitre once put it to me early on in our relationship… “I don’t think you believe that someone can actually treat you well and beat the crap out of you.”

He was right of course and that is what I really crave. I crave the pain but wrapped up in love, respect, and nurturing. I want the pain. I want to explore both physical and emotional pain…but I want to always know in my core of cores that I am safe, that I am wrapped up in love and that I will always come back to reality of being wanted.

And this is why I don’t just “bottom” because it isn’t about the pain on its own. It’s about the lovely juxtaposition of falling head long into the deepest darkest parts of ourselves only to come rushing back up to the surface and the pure joy and light of a warm and caring relationship.

I want to loose control and cower at the possibilities. I want to flinch (and do) when he raises his hand. I want to embrace fear. I want to embrace pain. I want to embrace worthlessness and humiliation. But will only do so, can only do so, if I know that on the other end are his warm strong loving arms.

I suspect we will never go to the deepest darkest places though I trust him to take me there and bring me back safely.  We won’t go these places unless something changes in our lives. I can’t even imagine going these places if I can’t reach out to him when I start to drop hard.  Hell, I drop hard enough as it sometime and struggle with our lives and schedules in those moments. I can’t begin to imagine being reduced to the level I long to and have to cope on my own later. In fact, I would say I don’t want to go these places unless we can spend a weekend at it. If we could have 48 hours locked away on our own, maybe a cabin in the woods, where he could reduce me completely and then build me back up… well, such are the things that fantasies are made of.

The Power of Being Trustworthy

Sheeeze! Sometimes I reread my posts and absolutely cringe at my use of language! Where did this flowery verbose romantic come from and what the hell did she do with the nut n bolts analyst that used to live in this mind!  For anyone who reads this tripe I write… I really do have more than two brain cells to rub together, it’s just seems that sometimes I don’t rub them very hard. LOL.

 So, what I was driving at in my previous post was the counter intuitive juxtaposition that can exist in submission. I’ve heard more than one submissive woman give this voice, so I know I’m not alone in this.  

The stronger and more self-confident I feel, the more I can let go, the deeper my desire and ability to submit become. I can only attribute it to being able to trust yourself. Strength and self-confidence translate into trusting your own judgment and instinct. When you trust your judgment you don’t second guess yourself constantly.  If you can’t trust your own judgment you are forever second guessing yourself and wonder if you really can trust your partner. It doesn’t matter if it is vanilla or rocky-road flavors we are talking about, it works just the same.

 I feel stronger and more self-confident now than I have ever felt before. With every day that goes by that Maitre continues to be the man he is (trust worthy, forthright, steady and loving) the more I trust myself again.  “Look, I picked a good ‘un”. I know that sounds silly to some. But those of you have had the misfortune to have been in an abusive relationship you know how important that is.

 Abusive relationships rob you of your strength and self confidence. The abuser, under the guise of being loving and helpful, casts aspersions even on the littlest things you do. “Here honey, let me show you how to boil water. No, no, no, it’s much easier to fill an ice tray this way.”   They do this while lulling you into trusting them. Then later systematically go about acting in untrustworthy manners that slowly escalate over time. For example, coming home chronically a half hour late by the end of the year becomes staying out all night.

 The result is you no longer trust your judgment. You find yourself questioning whether you should be condemning their behavior. When you do question their behavior they turn it on you. It suddenly becomes your fault they were out all night getting laid. Another cute trick they use is to make you feel complicit in your own abuse so that you are reticent to open you mouth to friends (if you have any left by this point)… why? Because if you tell family or friends they are going to help you see that you are being he is abused.

 It took only 1 relationship and 6 years to loose my self-confidence, to become a washed out shell of who I once was.

 It took 3 relationships and 15 years to undo all the damage that mother fucker did!

 So my dearest Maitre I thank you and those who came before you for giving me back who I was so I can embrace who I would like to be.

Luck and Power

I read the post of a sister submissive today. It made me very sad. I worry for her a great deal. 

This post also served to reaffirm how lucky I am to have Maitre. He has done nothing but treat me with respect and kindness from the first. He treats me with love and caring making the wellbeing of his Bella his priority. Yes, he is my Dominant and yes, he is a sadist. Not to worry those elements are imbedded in that respect, kindness and love I talk of.  His cruelty is a kindness. His passion for my pain a manifestation of his love for me. I am his lady and his whore, his brat and clay to mold. By loving and accepting all of me respects me. 

How could one not wish to yield to such a man? How could I resist any desire of his? Our circumstances sometime frustrate me. I long to give all of myself to him but your lives make this impossible. 

I have a secret. Sometimes I sit and think what it might be like if I were free to give myself to him without limitations on us and truly no limits on me. I wonder what it might be like to sink to my knees at his feet, staying there in my heart until he is done with me.  I can see it…it’s dark outside the windows, I am naked, knees under me, forehead pressed to the floor as he stands above me… am I cold? Perhaps. Am I tired? I might very well be. Do parts of me burn from ministrations’? Most definitely. But still I am his.   

Daddy, do you know how much your quiet and steady respect and nurturing, coupled with the hunger of the beast within you, has grown me? You have taken a grieving widow, a woman whose trust was tentative at best, and a young girl who is still at times small and frightened and helped her to grow and feel strong. In this strength she can do what she longs to do… yield. I am yours not because you how have cowed me, deceived me or hurt me. I am yours because I am stronger than I was when we met and in that strength is the ability to let go, to become powerless.