Posts tagged ‘sharing’

Information Sharing

Maitre is gone for the next 10 days or so. Weather reports are such that I have cause to worry.  I do not have his exact itinerary so I can only make an educated guess as to what extent the weather is affecting his travel. Despite my worry this post isn’t about that. It’s about sharing information.

 

I know there are plenty of D/s, or M/s couples where the sharing of information would be purely at the whim of the Dominant. These would be couples in which if the submissive asked for her Dom’s itinerary she might be told that it wasn’t her place to know. I can tell you this submissive would not find herself in a relationship where her concern for her Dominant wasn’t treated with respect.

 

This is something we connected on almost immediately. Keep the lines of communication open on all things. Keep him posted as to what was going on and he would do the same. It seems like common courtesy, well actually it is common courtesy, but you might be surprised how many people fail to employ the concept.

 

I thought of asking him for his itinerary but I didn’t. I suppose I felt that if he wanted me to know he would have told me. I didn’t want to intrude where my attention wasn’t wanted. He’s chided me on this one already. He has correctly remarked that we have discussed this, yet I continue to fall into this habit. It’s not even a D/s thing. It’s an “I don’t’ want to intrude” thing, although it is undoubtedly the result of my submissive nature.

 

I know all I need do is ask on any matter. Granted not all things will be conceded to me. It greatly depends on the subject matter. But I happen to know this one would have been. Had I asked he would have told me, the how, what, when and where of his travels. We are both worriers by nature and so respect that in one another and understand that it comes from a warm fuzzy place in both of us. Not a cold controlling place.

 

But I didn’t ask. I let the submissive in me over ride the lover/friend/partner in me. Can it be argued though that this is a two sided agreement and that he should have volunteered the information? I’m not sure it can. It obviously didn’t occur to him and we both agree that I am as responsible for my own emotional / mental well being as he is. I have a voice. It is my responsibility to use it. When I choose not to use it then I need to take responsibility for not letting him know that a need is not being met. In this circumstance this need is simple information that would have resulted in peace of mind.

Sharing

 …one sided conversation, one sided sharing…

OK our communication and sharing isn’t really one sided, it just feels a bit lopsided at times and is probably no more lopsided than is consistent with our dynamic. However, this feeling lead me to write the following….

I give you everything that goes on inside my head and heart but only get part of what goes on in you. Sometimes I chafe at it. It doesn’t feel fair. It doesn’t feel fair that you should know about every bump in my road, ever buckle in my pavement but that I should only get intermitten acknowledgement of it and bits and pieces of you. Then again how is “fair” defined?

A quick look on line shows that the word is defined as “free from bias, dishonesty, or injustice: a fair decision; a fair judge.”

The definition lacks any word “equal”. Things do not have to be equal to be fair. Fair is relative.  When I look at the definition of fair I have no complaints. There has been no dishonesty, no injustice and what bias there is, is the very bias we both desire.  So why do I chafe? I suppose because I feel that it is absent minded. I feel as though (once again) I am giving of myself freely only for it to be disregarded, seen as worthless, or unwanted. Yes, I know this is the exact opposite of what you tell me.  

Perhaps the rub is in the “how”. In ‘nilla relationships, the demonstration of worth is in the reciprocity of the act. This paradigm can’t be applied to a Dominant/submissive relationship. I can’t look for my value to you in terms of reciprocal behavior. But giving of myself continuously, though I love that you want it, and I gladly do it, leaves this very odd unsettled feeling ( maybe it’s suppose to).  This is only magnified by the physical distance in our lives. If we were closer, not even 24/7 , just at liberty to see one another when the spirit moved us would I still feel this way? 

I seem to be in a between a rock on and a hard place.   I want this. I want our dynamic. I crave our dynamic. It is what I’ve always longed for. However, if the cultural standards of communicating worth and desire in a relationship (reciprocity and demonstrative actions) are not open to us then I need to be quiet, grounded and patient.  This is a weak point for me. I’m a roller coaster when it comes to being grounded and sure of us, as this entry attests to.

How do I remember? Hell, how do I OWN that I am safe, that the less than equitable level of communication is not negligence or disregard but more a function of us and of dynamic? I know that I am voluminous in my sharing and I am happy to give of myself freely. It’s just that I tend have these moments of fear and insecurity. Moments when I want to hear from you, feel  you just as much as I give to you.

In the end I find myself feeling that when we are apart, you have this. You have all my thoughts, you have all my feelings, out here in black and white…. I suppose at times I’m just a bit jealous that I don’t have such a resource.

Sweeping Asphalt

Have you ever tried it?

I broke a wine glass last night out on the asphalt drive. I thought about sweeping it up but decided that it would be futile. So I just picked up the pieces as best I could, down to the littlest shard I could see.  

Another thing that is impossible: changing people.

You can’t change people. They can change themselves to an extent if they want to but you can’t do it for them.

Maitre, like me, has a history of infidieltiy. We aren’t bad people, we are just hungry people and people who bore easily sexually.  I must admit that I have thought about an “us”. Whether it is a function of human nature, the outgrowth of a relationship, or a latent desire or expectation I cannot say. That question is irrelevant. But I have thought about our histories and who we are. I thought about what those would mean. How hard would it be to have a marriage that embraces a poly-amorous nature?

How would it be to walk into a relationship like that, with your eyes wide open, knowing that it would be open, knowing that there would be others. The level of trust needed … could I ever trust that much? Is that something I have the capacity to do? I am by nature a jealous and possessive person. Am I that way because I have never really trusted? But conversely I have thought that type of relationship would be the only one that would ever truly work for me the truly long term. He thinks the same…given the right man, the right emotional connection, that I would be happily emotionally monogamous if I had someone to share my adventures with. That just seems to be some very big and serious “rights” that have to fall into place though.

Letting In

Well, I’m letting another in to this sacred space. A “love interest” if you will.  As you read this my new friend, I hope you keep in mind that it is more like being given a chance to read another’s journal than anything else.  I don’t want to hold back because of who I share this with and I know you understand that but it will be hard not to censor myself. I worry that I am sharing too much too soon. I always seem to give so freely of myself and then often (not always) regret it later. I hope this won’t be the case.

I’m putting all this down in way of a preface because my conversations with him have prompted me to stop and think, to examine my fears and my longings.

Buddhist thought tells us that “want” is the source of all pain. I “want” to connect. This longing to connect makes me scared. Scared of being taken advantage of, scared of letting myself be “snowed”. Scared of giving of myself only to be trampled. This fear causes me pain. I don’t want to be scared, I don’t want to forever be doubting people. I want to trust, with my very soul I want to trust. This of course speaks to my longing to yield completely to another. It is a paradox, isn’t it? You long for the very thing you are terrified of and the only reason you are so terrified of it is because it means so much, your want is so deep, the need to deep. It’s almost like asking which came first the chicken or the egg. Which came first the need to trust and so the manifestation of that trust in yielding? Or did the desire to yield come first and has only been made keener and more poignant by growing up never being able to trust, seemingly always abandoned.