Posts tagged ‘others’

Filling the Hole

When last we saw our heroine….

She was waiting to see if her lesbian crush from college is willing to take a chance with a twice committed woman.

What can I say….I can be very persuasive.  😀

The truth is that the distance and scheduling will make this at best an occasional thing and hopefully discourage a huge attachment. Now… of course me being me (and M being M) we will (and do already) care for one another.  How couldn’t we? The friendship was right there where we left off. It was easy to be with her, talk and share with her. Touching her was far far too easy!…and lovely. But there are miles and hours between us and a full knowledge of what we face.

She asked me a very relevant question. Why do I need so many people in my life? While I didn’t go looking for “so many people” she is right.  I told her what I believe to be the truth because; I have this big hole in my heart that I can’t ever quite seem to get filled up with love. A big hole left by a father who walked out of my life at 12 and the emotionally inaccessible alcoholic mother who raised me. It is left by a brother who ditched when he was 18 (and I was 11).   It’s left from growing up in an environment where what little emotional security was the gift of my amazing godmother. Just too much rejection, too many holes, too much second guessing that I am lovable and worth while. Bear used to tell me that I was a leaky tea cup and that no matter how much love he poured in I would always run dry and always need more. He was right.

So here I am a middle aged woman who finally understands herself, who finally can see her behavior for what it is… and who is at peace with it. For now I am lucky enough to have a husband, a Daddy and a sweetheart who all care for me very much in their own particular ways.

Current Events

 
Recently my dear friend A joined Us in play. It was lovely. He commented that it was the most balanced and giving threesome he’s ever been in. I have to agree. It was what I always thought a threesome should be and had always hoped it could be. Just warm, erotic, sensual… sigh… lovely.

Now, we came into this as a “vanilla experience”. We left the power exchange as out of it as We can. There was no impact play or any other element bdsm element. However, in conversations leading up to it A had eluded to some interest in bdsm and in topping. So, when Maitre left town in March for close to two weeks (by my clock) he left in her care with instructions. I hadn’t wanted to write about it until I had discussed it with both of them.

 I feel privileged to have been there and been the sub on which she spread her wings and took flight, very privileged. Thank you Maitre for seeing it, encouraging it and facilitating it. Thank you A for trusting me enough to let go, experiment and ask me to dig for you.

 Neither Maitre nor I saw the extent to which it would click with A. This left me mentally unprepared for what I would encounter and I suspect left holes in some wisdom Maitre might otherwise have shared. A in her newness did not see the potential emotional impact of some of her choices of play. It was a learning experience for all three of us I suppose but of course especially for me and A.  In retrospect there should have been a three way discussion of limits and experience. But He and I just didn’t see any of this coming. Of course it is fine because we love and trust each other, Maitre knews this and knew that I would be in good hands… despite the unforeseen.

 A collar and leash is somewhere I hadn’t gone yet, with anyone.  So, when A put them on me it was a novelty. At the outset I was fine, cavalier even. Never having played much with humiliation or real objectification I under estimated the potential impact.  I also failed to see how the vulnerability created by a good beating and the control of you body by another (including orgasm). I went into it cavalierly but came out humiliated and upset. I cringed inside from the circumstance. I hated the collar and crawling at her heel on the way back. Her decision to penetrate me anally and the strength of my orgasms only made it more so.  I wanted to cry, I really wanted to cry but wouldn’t. Why I wouldn’t was part of the key to why it was so upsetting…besides the obvious humiliation.

 Maitre and I have longed talked about “playing to tears”. There have been some but not in scene, as these would have been.  I felt the tears should have been his. I felt that he should have been there to experience them, to feel them, to hear my sobs. I reasoned that to some extent they were his because I was there at his bidding. It didn’t help much. I was also upset because I thought the collar and leash had been his idea. I thought that he had given over to another a first for me instead of being under his supervision…and the gift it would have been to him. It never occurred to me to say “no” to her, to express that collar and leash are his before they are hers but then again I didn’t know what his directions were and what weren’t. 

 When I think about it I am still upset that “that” first experience went to another.  I’m still upset that it wasn’t given to him. I am not upset with her, I am not upset with him, nor am I upset with myself…I’m not even upset for having had the experience with her. I just wish that because of the emotional impact of it that it had been his first. But there were so many blind spots for all of us there is no way we could have foreseen the situation. Hell, if you had asked me I wouldn’t have seen it. And as with all things that cause us discomfort they are opportunities for self examination and growth.

We played twice. Both were very intense just in different ways. The first emotionally as laid out above the second physically.
 She was far tougher on me in some ways than he has been. This was a learning experience too. I learned that I like pain, for the sake of pain. I learned that I like to play even without the promise of a sexual encounter. Does it excite? Certainly! But without direct erotic stimulation it doesn’t cause sexual frustration. You don’t play with my pussy? I can enjoy the pain for pain, the dig for the dig and walk away feeling refreshed, feeling like I have undergone a catharsis.
 

I love to feel the sensations just for themselves and she put me through my paces in terms of sensations… blind folded and trussed to the pipes in her frigid basement there were: tickles, cold, heat, wet, dry candle wax, objects dragged across my hypothermic body, spanking, her belt (I think), the pain of standing in heels for a long time, the pain of being cold… I was never so thankful to be released from restraints and sent to dress! What she never did was truly play with my pussy. So … another first at A’s hands… sensation play for the sake of sensation play. No big emotional struggle this time…just yummm, yummm…YUMMMM!!
 

So…there we have it…my week at the hands of a budding Domme… excruciating in many ways and a chance to grow and learn about myself. Many thanks again Daddy and A.
Oh…one last lesson…in my emotional turmoil of the collar and leash, is the lesson of how much He means to me and how my desire to give to Him is just not a general desire to give but is wonderfully, agonizingly, amazingly, specific to Him.

The Colour Green

Jealousy is a terrible thing.  It can eat at one and rip an otherwise sound relationships apart. It is wholly irrational.

 

It is generally based on ones own insecurities and poor self image (physical or emotional). Where it isn’t based on ones insecurities, but rather is based on the actions of ones partner instead, it is just as irrational because any partner that would genuinely act in such a way as to encourage jealousy is not worth being jealous over!

 

I was jealous today. I was jealous without reason and without cause. Implied in that jealousy was doubt in my Maitre. How could I have doubted a man who has done nothing but bend over backwards to make me feel loved and secure, has listened to my every insecurity and has welcomed my grief for another with a kind and gentle heart. He has worked hard to earn my respect and trust… yet I persist in keeping back bits and pieces of that trust.

 

A friend, whom I am so very thankful to have made through this blog, also pointed out the obvious to me. There are many, many submissives out in the world who are searching for a competent Dominant. I am lucky enough to not have simply found one who is competent but one who engages both his heart and his mind. Not only am I lucky enough to have found him but We are lucky enough to have something special that really works. I am not the only submissive out there, just as he is not the only Dominant. We both searched and turned away others because they were not the right fit.

 

We all have our fears. We all have our demons. But I feel like I have worked long and hard to conquer this one yet it persists.

 

Upon further thought, I’m not so sure I was jealous as I was insecure, convinced that I’m not good enough… it echo’s in my head.

Another

I’m not sure where to start with this.

 

I have a dear friend that I have known for almost a year now. She and I have what Maitre calls a quietly flirtatious relationship. There is a sexual energy there that we don’t act on… well, I did get a sweet little kiss once.

 

I have teased on and off with joining us. He and I have discussed it. Well, this week the wheels have finally been put in motion. Now I find myself thinking about potentialities.

 

Now I know she would not nor could not replace me. I know he loves me and I know I have a very specially place in his heart. I know that what we crave fits exceptionally well and our souls fit exceptionally well together. As he would say we “get” each other.  But I am no fool. I know that you can love one person for who they are and love another for who they are. I know that just because I have this special place in him, that there is not a place for her as well.

 

So now I find myself wondering…what if. What if they became close, what if a bond formed, what if he asked me to accept her as my “sister”. The answer is I don’t know.

 

He is not hugely poly but does find the idea to have a certain attraction. I don’t think there is an overwhelming probability of this happening. He wishes he had more time to be with me. I doubt he’d want to divide what time he has between two.

 

But being who I am I have to think about it. The truth is that although my initial reaction is no, I don’t want to share him on that level, my desire to please him is very real and very deep. Once again, shades of Pygar’s last post. Would my desire to please him and serve him override my natural inclination?  Would I put him first even over my own emotional wellbeing? I believe my submission to him is far deeper than he has really tapped or maybe even realizes. Sometimes I wonder if it is so deep and my trust in him so thorough that I might at some point fail to take care of myself in this.

 

I am sure this is all hypothetical but I believe that asking myself these questions is important. I want to know who I am. And, should the future hold this possibility, I won’t be a stranger to what my soul holds.