Posts tagged ‘D/s’

Pouring In

Our floodgates have opened.

 

I’ve been looking for a way to express this for a bit now and that is probably the most expressive wording I can find. I search for the detail and the way to convey the how and why… and I lose the impact of this very simple fact.

 

Our floodgates have opened…and in it rushes; the intensity, the emotion, the need to dig for my submission to him.

 

How very lovely. How very difficult. How very scary. 

Sharing

 …one sided conversation, one sided sharing…

OK our communication and sharing isn’t really one sided, it just feels a bit lopsided at times and is probably no more lopsided than is consistent with our dynamic. However, this feeling lead me to write the following….

I give you everything that goes on inside my head and heart but only get part of what goes on in you. Sometimes I chafe at it. It doesn’t feel fair. It doesn’t feel fair that you should know about every bump in my road, ever buckle in my pavement but that I should only get intermitten acknowledgement of it and bits and pieces of you. Then again how is “fair” defined?

A quick look on line shows that the word is defined as “free from bias, dishonesty, or injustice: a fair decision; a fair judge.”

The definition lacks any word “equal”. Things do not have to be equal to be fair. Fair is relative.  When I look at the definition of fair I have no complaints. There has been no dishonesty, no injustice and what bias there is, is the very bias we both desire.  So why do I chafe? I suppose because I feel that it is absent minded. I feel as though (once again) I am giving of myself freely only for it to be disregarded, seen as worthless, or unwanted. Yes, I know this is the exact opposite of what you tell me.  

Perhaps the rub is in the “how”. In ‘nilla relationships, the demonstration of worth is in the reciprocity of the act. This paradigm can’t be applied to a Dominant/submissive relationship. I can’t look for my value to you in terms of reciprocal behavior. But giving of myself continuously, though I love that you want it, and I gladly do it, leaves this very odd unsettled feeling ( maybe it’s suppose to).  This is only magnified by the physical distance in our lives. If we were closer, not even 24/7 , just at liberty to see one another when the spirit moved us would I still feel this way? 

I seem to be in a between a rock on and a hard place.   I want this. I want our dynamic. I crave our dynamic. It is what I’ve always longed for. However, if the cultural standards of communicating worth and desire in a relationship (reciprocity and demonstrative actions) are not open to us then I need to be quiet, grounded and patient.  This is a weak point for me. I’m a roller coaster when it comes to being grounded and sure of us, as this entry attests to.

How do I remember? Hell, how do I OWN that I am safe, that the less than equitable level of communication is not negligence or disregard but more a function of us and of dynamic? I know that I am voluminous in my sharing and I am happy to give of myself freely. It’s just that I tend have these moments of fear and insecurity. Moments when I want to hear from you, feel  you just as much as I give to you.

In the end I find myself feeling that when we are apart, you have this. You have all my thoughts, you have all my feelings, out here in black and white…. I suppose at times I’m just a bit jealous that I don’t have such a resource.

A Synopsis

I’m sorry… I did exactly what I said I wouldn’t do… actually, I didn’t delete the posts I just hid them instead.

They just take up too much energy with nothing. They are little more than emotional vomiting and exhausted me to read, so why would I want to put anyone else through that. I’ll give the shortened sane version here.

Yesterday I was in a state, it wasn’t until later in the day that I realized that this “state” was in no small part do to feeling like I have a blind spot in my relationship with C, there was/is feeling of “unknown”. This always pushes my buttons. This feeling was the result of feeling like maybe he’s backed off a bit, or has been a bit less forthcoming than he used to be. There are three possibilities –
1) it’s my imagination
2) he’s unaware of it and it is more life intervening than anything
3) it’s purposeful

When I examined all this I came up with a couple of different truths about myself. The first I knew, that a feeling of not quite knowing where my partner’s head is makes me insecure, impinges on my ability to trust and puts me on the defensive. The feeling that my lover’s motivations being obscured immediately throws his motivations into doubt with me. I struggle to maintain perspective and often fly off to a place of fear and doubt.

This is my biggie with me. My ability to trust is not stable. The smallest shift in behavior and I get defensive. This is no way to maintain a relationship. Rationally I know this…but fear is not rational. This leaves me fighting for my fragile ability to trust.

Just because I don’t know exactly where his head is doesn’t mean I should be defensive. I need to remember that day he fed me lunch on my knees, naked, with my eyes closed… the situations are analogous it’s just that one is in the intangible emotional realm while the other is in the physical realm.

I’ve wondered if I don’t spook like this when on some intuitive level I feel we are about to grow in who we are. I wonder if that is the unknown I spook at.

I’m going to cut myself some slack here… a D/s relationship puts the sub in a very emotionally vulnerable position. I don’t think the occasional spook is unhealthy or out of the norm, especially given the newness of our relationship. I think what is important is how I handle it.

The other thing I learned about myself? Part of me wants him to break my propensity to revoke my trust. Afterall this is basically what I am doing. I want to be rid of my fear of trust. Having said that I know we aren’t there… or rather I’m not there. I think if he tried it now it would be disastrous. In fact I’m not sure given the lack of free access we have to one another if this is something we could ever do.

… the above falls under conditioning/training… an emotionally laden subject even theoretically, let alone applying it to ones self!

Prices May Vary and No Pain No Gain

A comment left by a dear friend got the hamsters spinning on their little wheels again.

At what point do you achieve reciprocity? Is there a point at which the drop on the other side becomes so weighty that it is more of a punishment than the euphoria and connection are rewards?

It may not happen. The euphoria may always out weigh the drop on the other end.

Or maybe it is an interaction between the heightened levels and life circumstances? Maybe it’s easier to take a deeper drop if you have more access to the person?

Alternately, perhaps the impact of the drop is mediated by the caliber of the relationship you have with your Dominant? Maybe the better the quality of the relationship the better able a submissive is to withstand the fall from the cliff on the other side. Maybe a better relationship has a buoying effect. Maybe it provides a safe place they can go back to in their minds even in the middle of the fall.

But what is certain is that if this is how you are wired, there is so much to gain. The intensity binds you, even if momentarily, to your Dominant with a clear and riveting connection. The intensity is transformative as well as cleansing and clarifying. If you forfeit the intensity out of fear of pain, physical or emotional, during or after, you forfeit all the possibilities that come with it.

BUT… you must be willing down to your very core to let go of your grasp on your well being, your fear of pain and your trepidation to entrust the very soul of your wellbeing to another (yes, those words are in the right order, and hopefully you have the right ‘other’). Because if you can’t let go of those things… at least I know this to be true for me….if you can’t let go of those things, and you cling to them, you keep part of yourself tucked away, held back, in reserve. And if you cling to the branch you can’t fly, now can you?  

Switching

Maitre believes that deep in me lurks a switch.
I vacilate on the subject. But what I do realize sitting here thinking about is that I am intimidated by trying that hat on in front of him. It’s really nothing more than performance anxiety. Performance anxiety interacting with our dynamic.  When try to wrap my head around it, try to imagine a purposeful effort at domming, I’m squicked. I cringe at the idea of it being in front of him and I absolutely recoil at the possibility of failing him on some level.
BUT…and a big but here to boot… when  consider it in a more organic way, or when I play at it in a more organic way (like the way that’s going to get me a good beating sometime next week… without the release of an orgasm..pfftttt) then it flows. 
I can also say that I have enjoyed playing with power from a “topping from the bottom” stance. I’ve always loved the power that has come with seducing a man. But to turn that power around and utilize it in a classically BDSM way? Well, that perhaps takes the nuts he says I have but don’t feel like I have. 
A bit of a catch 22 I have myself here, no?
I know full well that by putting this out here I am inviting him to push me but I trust him to push me in a way that suites me and only when I am ready.

 

Safe Sane and Consensual or What the Outside World Doesn’t See

I told a friend the other day that I thought he would make a good submissive. I said it without thinking what his take on it might be. Now, this friend is pretty damn alt. in his own right but BDSM is not his thing all though he has mentioned a certain level of curiosity so I didn’t think twice about it.

 

Well, yesterday he asked me why I thought he would make a good submissive (this can also read “why I think he is submissive). I explained to him that it was because he is adaptable, because from what I know of him my guess is that for him there is certain level of gratification to adapting to his lover and because he enjoys being pulled into a seduction (as opposed to being the seducer). He enjoys being sexually wrapped around someone’s little finger so to speak.  He positively glows when I grab him by that annoying little tuft of fur hanging from his lower lip. Now if this isn’t someone who is just itching to willingly be brought to heal… hell, I don’t know who is.

 

It turns out that his take on BDSM was the stereotype that the media portrays, the boot licking groveling submissive being humiliated and tormented by a dom(me). He equated it with being manipulated and demeaned in an abusive manner.

It was a bit of a challenge to articulate the reality and to articulate what it is that brings me to it. How does one explain the chivalry that is so often a subtext to Dominant/submissive relationships? How do you explain that the dominant asks the submissive to endure and how the submissive willing gives of themselves. How do you explain the level of connection and attentiveness that goes into to this give and take. Because after all without the willingness and the mindfulness it would only be abuse and what sane person would voluntarily hand themselves over to abuse?

 

The “safe, sane and consensual” credo of the community was my starting point. This starting point also made me realize what the outside world doesn’t see.

 

The outside world doesn’t see the communication that establishes a D/s relationship. The long discussions over wants, desire, longings, limits, triggers both good and bad, aren’t known. The hours spent exploring one another’s psyche is hidden. The outside world also doesn’t see the investment in trust that is made on both sides. These relationships are first and foremost predicated on communication and trust. The trust is given a little bit at a time and is earned. Both sides watch, look, listen to responses, to actions. Is my partner respecting my wishes, is he/she listening and communicating even on the most basic level? Can I trust my partner to keep me safe? All of these elements are things that people who seek a BDSM type relationship consciously and openly contemplate. There is far more thought that goes into these relationships than goes into any ‘vanilla’ relationship I have ever been in.

 

What the outside world also doesn’t see is the care and nurturing that goes into D/s relationship. Yes, Maitre has at times asked a great deal of me both physically and mentally. He will go on to ask more and more of me as he senses I am ready and that the trust, investment and desire are there. BUT, he takes care of me. Not only in the traditional sense but in ways that aren’t part of a vanilla relationship. He tends to my heart, body and mind, before during and after. There is no rolling over and passing out. There is coming back and talking about it. What worked, what didn’t and why. What I needed but may not have gotten, why I got but didn’t need. THEN we pass out.

 

It is all given willingly and taken with appreciation. There is a saying in the D/s community. Submission is a gift. Let’s face it, we only give gifts to those we care for and respect.

Why is it?

Why is it that I always seem to have something to write about when I don’t really have the time? So what am I going to do? Write anyway.

 

I was thinking on our morning walk how I have generally had two sorts of men in my life; ones who would take advantage of my desire to please and to defer. In short my submissive nature. And those who don’t know what to do with it either because they are service oriented themselves or just plain old flat vanilla.

 

With Maitre, for the first time in my life I feel it fall into place. It is a lovely feeling. The feeling of knowing I can give of myself, or simply just let him lead, and know that it will be appreciated and more importantly NOT taken advantage of.

 

I know Maitre won’t use me as a doormat and I know he is comfortable leading. I know he will take me into consideration and even take into account that it is my nature to defer. He appreciates the strong self confident woman that resides in me as well. She’s not seen as an impediment any more than the submissive as seen as a doormat. I feel balanced in this relationship. It is a real joy and perhaps most interestingly and really most importantly I feel relaxed in this relationship.

 

Twice now I have found that what my heart, my nature longs for is truly out there. All the years of being taken advantage of, all those years of struggling and being unhappy because I had to lead….it feels so good to know I wasn’t crazy, I wasn’t dysfunctional, I wasn’t some how deficient or incompetent….it feels so good to know that there are those who do compliment my nature, for whom that fills their soul.

 

In the Beginning

In the beginning it was physical trust, it was quickly won. It then became emotional trust. Now I find it is combined, a trust in dynamic encompassing both the physical and emotional. I trust him to lead our dance to the edge and back again. I trust him to take it wonderful places, take us wonderful places.

 

In this trust my submissive self finds her presence. In this trust is the power to let go, to let him lead, to submit.

 

It’s just a little odd to feel my submissive self come bubbling up from its depths with out being in love. It’s this odd balance and I’m not quite sure I understand it.  It is completely unconscious. I respond to him as a friend, confidant and lover with sweet romantic overtones but certainly no head long rush in to love. Yet my submissive self and my sexual self respond to him seemingly of their own volition as if they are separate from me.  I kiss him, I move into his arms and the gently self-conscious space between us falls away. The cognitive quiets, the intuitive takes over and I simply respond to him. It’s natural and it’s complete, as if it has always been this way and should always be this way.  

 

It seems the submissive in me, the non-verbal and intuitive parts of me know home when they feel it.

Random Thoughts

How very quickly I become attached. I’m sitting here bumming that if I don’t see him for a little while Saturday morning, which is a problem, I may very well not see him again until the 13th of August or speak to him until the 12th. It sucks and I’m finding that I miss him, which makes me question how quickly I have become attached.

How quickly is too quickly? Do those boundaries change with D/s and kink? Does the intensity of our interaction foster being closer sooner? Or am I just so pitifully lonely and so needy that I’ve glommed on to the first kind soul that came along? This possibility worries. What does this say about me? How vulnerable does this leave me? Well that last one was a stupid question.

I do know is that right now I’d loved to be curled up with him, getting to know him better, absorbing more of him.

I also know that some intimacy right now would feel really good. Physical or psychological…I’m not picky. I just want to connect.