Posts tagged ‘collar’

Thoughts on Humiliation, Ownership and Ego

Something occurred to me in the midst of recounting our first bit of play and the emotional impact of the collar and leash.

 

Is it better that I went there with A first? Was a strong emotional impact an inevitable reaction to being dehumanized, being reduced like that? And if it was…would it have been that much stronger at his hands and that much more painful merely because the depth of emotional investment is so much greater? I care what he thinks and a deeper and more complex level than I do with A. Far less of my ego is invested with her.

 

Conversely, there were moments I felt that the same sex issue made it worse. I don’t trust women. I do trust A. But you have to wonder at what reflexive unconscious level you fall back onto the generalization of a segment of the population. (hmm…I’ve had this discussion a lot lately). Was I more likely, in a physically challenged and reduced state, regress to feeling a need to protect myself from a woman… regardless of how much I love and trust her?

 

I can’t answer any of these questions but I can see the potential for a stronger reaction with him. Despite the potential for reflexive protectionism with a woman my relationship with Maitre is ongoing and romantic. This I would think would lead both to a deeper affect and a longer lasting one. Given my past I also wonder if the abuse monster that hides in the corner might not have decided to pay a visit. I can see the potential for a PTSD type reaction.

 

So maybe, just maybe… having first genuine taste of humiliation at the hands of a more neutral party was a good thing.

 

Or here is another thought… maybe I’ve given so much of myself to him that he may not be able to effectively humiliate me. The ritual that is so often thought of as humiliating, being pissed on, was not a strong humiliation dig for me. It combines strongly with a sense of ownership. It was his right to piss on me. Might that be true for a collar and leash with him? Wouldn’t it be his right to make me crawl at his heel as if I were a dog? I suspect he might have to up the ante (sp?) for a humiliation exercise to be a real dig for me… either that or set my head up for it. 

 

Hell if I know… this is all blathering and speculation.

Current Events

 
Recently my dear friend A joined Us in play. It was lovely. He commented that it was the most balanced and giving threesome he’s ever been in. I have to agree. It was what I always thought a threesome should be and had always hoped it could be. Just warm, erotic, sensual… sigh… lovely.

Now, we came into this as a “vanilla experience”. We left the power exchange as out of it as We can. There was no impact play or any other element bdsm element. However, in conversations leading up to it A had eluded to some interest in bdsm and in topping. So, when Maitre left town in March for close to two weeks (by my clock) he left in her care with instructions. I hadn’t wanted to write about it until I had discussed it with both of them.

 I feel privileged to have been there and been the sub on which she spread her wings and took flight, very privileged. Thank you Maitre for seeing it, encouraging it and facilitating it. Thank you A for trusting me enough to let go, experiment and ask me to dig for you.

 Neither Maitre nor I saw the extent to which it would click with A. This left me mentally unprepared for what I would encounter and I suspect left holes in some wisdom Maitre might otherwise have shared. A in her newness did not see the potential emotional impact of some of her choices of play. It was a learning experience for all three of us I suppose but of course especially for me and A.  In retrospect there should have been a three way discussion of limits and experience. But He and I just didn’t see any of this coming. Of course it is fine because we love and trust each other, Maitre knews this and knew that I would be in good hands… despite the unforeseen.

 A collar and leash is somewhere I hadn’t gone yet, with anyone.  So, when A put them on me it was a novelty. At the outset I was fine, cavalier even. Never having played much with humiliation or real objectification I under estimated the potential impact.  I also failed to see how the vulnerability created by a good beating and the control of you body by another (including orgasm). I went into it cavalierly but came out humiliated and upset. I cringed inside from the circumstance. I hated the collar and crawling at her heel on the way back. Her decision to penetrate me anally and the strength of my orgasms only made it more so.  I wanted to cry, I really wanted to cry but wouldn’t. Why I wouldn’t was part of the key to why it was so upsetting…besides the obvious humiliation.

 Maitre and I have longed talked about “playing to tears”. There have been some but not in scene, as these would have been.  I felt the tears should have been his. I felt that he should have been there to experience them, to feel them, to hear my sobs. I reasoned that to some extent they were his because I was there at his bidding. It didn’t help much. I was also upset because I thought the collar and leash had been his idea. I thought that he had given over to another a first for me instead of being under his supervision…and the gift it would have been to him. It never occurred to me to say “no” to her, to express that collar and leash are his before they are hers but then again I didn’t know what his directions were and what weren’t. 

 When I think about it I am still upset that “that” first experience went to another.  I’m still upset that it wasn’t given to him. I am not upset with her, I am not upset with him, nor am I upset with myself…I’m not even upset for having had the experience with her. I just wish that because of the emotional impact of it that it had been his first. But there were so many blind spots for all of us there is no way we could have foreseen the situation. Hell, if you had asked me I wouldn’t have seen it. And as with all things that cause us discomfort they are opportunities for self examination and growth.

We played twice. Both were very intense just in different ways. The first emotionally as laid out above the second physically.
 She was far tougher on me in some ways than he has been. This was a learning experience too. I learned that I like pain, for the sake of pain. I learned that I like to play even without the promise of a sexual encounter. Does it excite? Certainly! But without direct erotic stimulation it doesn’t cause sexual frustration. You don’t play with my pussy? I can enjoy the pain for pain, the dig for the dig and walk away feeling refreshed, feeling like I have undergone a catharsis.
 

I love to feel the sensations just for themselves and she put me through my paces in terms of sensations… blind folded and trussed to the pipes in her frigid basement there were: tickles, cold, heat, wet, dry candle wax, objects dragged across my hypothermic body, spanking, her belt (I think), the pain of standing in heels for a long time, the pain of being cold… I was never so thankful to be released from restraints and sent to dress! What she never did was truly play with my pussy. So … another first at A’s hands… sensation play for the sake of sensation play. No big emotional struggle this time…just yummm, yummm…YUMMMM!!
 

So…there we have it…my week at the hands of a budding Domme… excruciating in many ways and a chance to grow and learn about myself. Many thanks again Daddy and A.
Oh…one last lesson…in my emotional turmoil of the collar and leash, is the lesson of how much He means to me and how my desire to give to Him is just not a general desire to give but is wonderfully, agonizingly, amazingly, specific to Him.

The 1st Time

My collar was commented on today for the first time. A male coworker asked me if my thumb ring meant anything. It completely caught me off guard. I scrambled to come up with an excuse… “I found it, thought it was cool on my thumb…”.

I could feel my ears turning red as it came out of my mouth. I ended up emailing him that it did indeed have meaning but it wasn’t something I really wanted to talk about at my cube. He emailed back that he had seen my reaction… my goose was cooked anyway.

After he left I noticed I had this quiet little glow in me. It made me happy to have someone ask. I wanted to tell him what that simple gold band on my thumb was. I am proud of my collar and to be his.

going back down

I think I’ve written some about feeling like I was coming unraveled
some from our D/s, losing our connection or perhaps it leveling out is more precise.

When I went in for surgery I gave him my “collar” (a ring) to hold on to, as you can’t wear any jewelry. Well, I finally took my collar back yesterday. Right after surgery I felt that I needed to wait. I felt
disconnected and unsure if I was staying in the relationship. I wanted
to really want it. I wanted it to mean as much as the first time not
for it to be just as reflex or something I was suppose to do. I wanted
to feel at least the desire to truly be submissive to him, if not to
feel the submission.

I am a lucky lady. I have a sweet and wonderful Dominant who gave me
the space I needed and understood the value of letting me come back to
it on my own. I am sure there are those out there who would say take
it or leave it…permanently. Had he done that I would have walked away.

So now I have come back of my own choice but that doesn’t mean that my feeling of submission to him is automatic. Far from it. We had begun
a subtle struggle for power, which he did not call me due to my health
and the emotional trauma of my diagnosis. Perhaps he didn’t really see
it till the other day when I saw it too. I know this reflex to push to
have things my way and to get the answers I want, when I want them,
won’t just disappear.

This where the work begins and I suspect it will be harder now than
when I first met him. When I first met him I was filled with grief and
while not looking to replace my Bear, was needing a safe haven. I was
looking for the person I could trust with my submissive desires, with
my grief and with my need to hurt. When I met Maitre and it became
obvious that I could trust him with all of this I easily and willingly
turned it over. It poured out of me along with my grief.

But now we are…well…We. The relationship we have is ours alone and
the original building block, of my submission to Bear cut short and it
the grief that went along with it, has worn away. Now, although my
desire is there and the trust in him is still there, things have
changed drastically. My trust in ‘life’ has slipped. Not only my
cancer diagnosis but the difficulty we have had in being together in
the past 2 months have worn it down. I feel a need to watch my
emotional back. I feel a need to be in control of my life and while
not really at odds with my submission, it is counter intuitive. And
lastly I find that I am angry and want to lash out. I find that I am
angry at life for getting in our way, angry at my body for turning
against me, angry at my Bear for dieing and not being here when I need
him and angry at Maitre for being unable to be with me when I needed
him. Yes, I know that none of these are rational. But they are there
just the same.

So the work begins…again…and perhaps for real this time. I will
struggle against myself. He will mold me to him. I told him the other
day that this is his chance to build a better mousetrap. While he
loved the way I came, and was appreciative and took moving forward
with me seriously, the submissive I was, was not truly His. He had not
shaped me. I think he once said it was like being bequeathed a high
end sports car. Now he gets to build his own.

My emotions are all over the place on this. Excitement, anticipation,
dread at the work both emotional and physical, impatience, sadness. I
think the hardest part consciously will be moving at a pace other than
what I define. I suspect (knowing me) that I will test him every step
of the way.

Gestures

I think for many the “D” and the “s” in the D/s is physical. It’s either in their physical play or manifest in tasks and rituals. I think that is less true for me. Don’t get me wrong, I adore our physical play. A good beating gets me very wet. BUT… those moments of deepest submission, the highest I’ve ever flown? Have been emotional.

 

I remember the first time he asked me if I loved him. We were playing and I was out there. It was meant to be difficult and it was. I am not one to say something just to appease or for the sake of play. So I struggled for a moment, I searched my heart and I told him… “Yes, I love you.”… the effect on me was like nothing I had ever felt before. As the words came tumbling out of my mouth, my consciousness went spinning after them.

 

When my feelings for him are deeply submissive, the gestures I think of all have psychological and emotional implications far beyond that of a good beating. I think of sitting at his feet, I think of the challenge of doing something for him that I really do not care to do, I think of literally being under his heel.

 

And then the other day I thought of something, that felt so real and so visceral, whose archetypal implications are truly submissive beyond question. Saturday in the shower, without his bidding I knelt and kissed each foot gently once. 

 

When I feel this way, not matter if I’m with him or not, my heart swells and longs him, and my eyes moisten.  So yesterday, when he slipped his collar on,  my heart felt quiet and settled. I felt like I had come home.

 

My point? That such a simple symbol could have such an affect.

Collars

I want mine. 

I don’t mean that to nag, and I don’t mean it to pressure and I certainly don’t mean to be disrespectful… I’m saying it because I want you to know that it is important to me and I’m putting it here instead of in an email because I want the whole world to know your “collar”, your claiming me, being yours, is very, very important to me. 

Having gotten that out of me, I can and will wait patiently until the planets align and you can make it happen. I just want you to know how very much it means to me.

 

Addendum: to outsiders please know that any expression of ‘want’ should never be read as a demand but as an expression of longing and desire. He knows that I sit at his feet, no matter where I am.