Posts tagged ‘BDSM’

Current Events

 
Recently my dear friend A joined Us in play. It was lovely. He commented that it was the most balanced and giving threesome he’s ever been in. I have to agree. It was what I always thought a threesome should be and had always hoped it could be. Just warm, erotic, sensual… sigh… lovely.

Now, we came into this as a “vanilla experience”. We left the power exchange as out of it as We can. There was no impact play or any other element bdsm element. However, in conversations leading up to it A had eluded to some interest in bdsm and in topping. So, when Maitre left town in March for close to two weeks (by my clock) he left in her care with instructions. I hadn’t wanted to write about it until I had discussed it with both of them.

 I feel privileged to have been there and been the sub on which she spread her wings and took flight, very privileged. Thank you Maitre for seeing it, encouraging it and facilitating it. Thank you A for trusting me enough to let go, experiment and ask me to dig for you.

 Neither Maitre nor I saw the extent to which it would click with A. This left me mentally unprepared for what I would encounter and I suspect left holes in some wisdom Maitre might otherwise have shared. A in her newness did not see the potential emotional impact of some of her choices of play. It was a learning experience for all three of us I suppose but of course especially for me and A.  In retrospect there should have been a three way discussion of limits and experience. But He and I just didn’t see any of this coming. Of course it is fine because we love and trust each other, Maitre knews this and knew that I would be in good hands… despite the unforeseen.

 A collar and leash is somewhere I hadn’t gone yet, with anyone.  So, when A put them on me it was a novelty. At the outset I was fine, cavalier even. Never having played much with humiliation or real objectification I under estimated the potential impact.  I also failed to see how the vulnerability created by a good beating and the control of you body by another (including orgasm). I went into it cavalierly but came out humiliated and upset. I cringed inside from the circumstance. I hated the collar and crawling at her heel on the way back. Her decision to penetrate me anally and the strength of my orgasms only made it more so.  I wanted to cry, I really wanted to cry but wouldn’t. Why I wouldn’t was part of the key to why it was so upsetting…besides the obvious humiliation.

 Maitre and I have longed talked about “playing to tears”. There have been some but not in scene, as these would have been.  I felt the tears should have been his. I felt that he should have been there to experience them, to feel them, to hear my sobs. I reasoned that to some extent they were his because I was there at his bidding. It didn’t help much. I was also upset because I thought the collar and leash had been his idea. I thought that he had given over to another a first for me instead of being under his supervision…and the gift it would have been to him. It never occurred to me to say “no” to her, to express that collar and leash are his before they are hers but then again I didn’t know what his directions were and what weren’t. 

 When I think about it I am still upset that “that” first experience went to another.  I’m still upset that it wasn’t given to him. I am not upset with her, I am not upset with him, nor am I upset with myself…I’m not even upset for having had the experience with her. I just wish that because of the emotional impact of it that it had been his first. But there were so many blind spots for all of us there is no way we could have foreseen the situation. Hell, if you had asked me I wouldn’t have seen it. And as with all things that cause us discomfort they are opportunities for self examination and growth.

We played twice. Both were very intense just in different ways. The first emotionally as laid out above the second physically.
 She was far tougher on me in some ways than he has been. This was a learning experience too. I learned that I like pain, for the sake of pain. I learned that I like to play even without the promise of a sexual encounter. Does it excite? Certainly! But without direct erotic stimulation it doesn’t cause sexual frustration. You don’t play with my pussy? I can enjoy the pain for pain, the dig for the dig and walk away feeling refreshed, feeling like I have undergone a catharsis.
 

I love to feel the sensations just for themselves and she put me through my paces in terms of sensations… blind folded and trussed to the pipes in her frigid basement there were: tickles, cold, heat, wet, dry candle wax, objects dragged across my hypothermic body, spanking, her belt (I think), the pain of standing in heels for a long time, the pain of being cold… I was never so thankful to be released from restraints and sent to dress! What she never did was truly play with my pussy. So … another first at A’s hands… sensation play for the sake of sensation play. No big emotional struggle this time…just yummm, yummm…YUMMMM!!
 

So…there we have it…my week at the hands of a budding Domme… excruciating in many ways and a chance to grow and learn about myself. Many thanks again Daddy and A.
Oh…one last lesson…in my emotional turmoil of the collar and leash, is the lesson of how much He means to me and how my desire to give to Him is just not a general desire to give but is wonderfully, agonizingly, amazingly, specific to Him.

Masturbating is Worthless.

Masturbating is worthless. 

Ok, maybe that’s a bit harsh. But while it has its place in sating the immediate physical need it does nothing for the need for intimacy beside make it worse. There have been times in my life when I was solo that I’ve given it up all together. I would rather want physically than ache for a connection I cannot have.

So much of BDSM is couched in the sexual and I suppose for many it is predominantly sexual. I suppose those individuals would fall under top/bottom and s/m.  However, neither am I drawn to submission just for the sake of submission as are some people. I find that for me it is this heady mix of both the dynamic and the sexuality.

I find that in my submission is an intense connection to my loved one, my Dominant.  It is in the common knowledge of one another, it is in the trust, among other aspects. The greater my affection and regard for an individual the deeper my desire to submit. At it’s greatest depth It is in essence how I say “I love you”. My desire to sit at his feet, to hear him call me little one, or (secret weakness here) princess is far from the sexual. To be in his care, nurtured by him, watched over by him fills my heart. When my heart is full for him I would go anywhere that he would ask me (of course I do this in full knowledge that he would never abuse this power and his love for me keeps me safe).

But here is the part that doesn’t make sense…it all starts as sexual. Certainly my submission was not of any substantial depth early on and it most certainly started as sexual. It started with baby steps of trust. It started with what little submission I was willing to give at the start. So in the end it comes full circle doesn’t it. Sexual, leads to emotional, leads to a deeper sexuality and a deeper level of emotional connection.

I suppose vanilla relationships work the same way but with somewhat less at stake.

I’m just missing him and wanting to write. I’m not sure this is really of any worth of relevance to anything. Thanks for indulging me.

Prices May Vary and No Pain No Gain

A comment left by a dear friend got the hamsters spinning on their little wheels again.

At what point do you achieve reciprocity? Is there a point at which the drop on the other side becomes so weighty that it is more of a punishment than the euphoria and connection are rewards?

It may not happen. The euphoria may always out weigh the drop on the other end.

Or maybe it is an interaction between the heightened levels and life circumstances? Maybe it’s easier to take a deeper drop if you have more access to the person?

Alternately, perhaps the impact of the drop is mediated by the caliber of the relationship you have with your Dominant? Maybe the better the quality of the relationship the better able a submissive is to withstand the fall from the cliff on the other side. Maybe a better relationship has a buoying effect. Maybe it provides a safe place they can go back to in their minds even in the middle of the fall.

But what is certain is that if this is how you are wired, there is so much to gain. The intensity binds you, even if momentarily, to your Dominant with a clear and riveting connection. The intensity is transformative as well as cleansing and clarifying. If you forfeit the intensity out of fear of pain, physical or emotional, during or after, you forfeit all the possibilities that come with it.

BUT… you must be willing down to your very core to let go of your grasp on your well being, your fear of pain and your trepidation to entrust the very soul of your wellbeing to another (yes, those words are in the right order, and hopefully you have the right ‘other’). Because if you can’t let go of those things… at least I know this to be true for me….if you can’t let go of those things, and you cling to them, you keep part of yourself tucked away, held back, in reserve. And if you cling to the branch you can’t fly, now can you?  

Safe Sane and Consensual or What the Outside World Doesn’t See

I told a friend the other day that I thought he would make a good submissive. I said it without thinking what his take on it might be. Now, this friend is pretty damn alt. in his own right but BDSM is not his thing all though he has mentioned a certain level of curiosity so I didn’t think twice about it.

 

Well, yesterday he asked me why I thought he would make a good submissive (this can also read “why I think he is submissive). I explained to him that it was because he is adaptable, because from what I know of him my guess is that for him there is certain level of gratification to adapting to his lover and because he enjoys being pulled into a seduction (as opposed to being the seducer). He enjoys being sexually wrapped around someone’s little finger so to speak.  He positively glows when I grab him by that annoying little tuft of fur hanging from his lower lip. Now if this isn’t someone who is just itching to willingly be brought to heal… hell, I don’t know who is.

 

It turns out that his take on BDSM was the stereotype that the media portrays, the boot licking groveling submissive being humiliated and tormented by a dom(me). He equated it with being manipulated and demeaned in an abusive manner.

It was a bit of a challenge to articulate the reality and to articulate what it is that brings me to it. How does one explain the chivalry that is so often a subtext to Dominant/submissive relationships? How do you explain that the dominant asks the submissive to endure and how the submissive willing gives of themselves. How do you explain the level of connection and attentiveness that goes into to this give and take. Because after all without the willingness and the mindfulness it would only be abuse and what sane person would voluntarily hand themselves over to abuse?

 

The “safe, sane and consensual” credo of the community was my starting point. This starting point also made me realize what the outside world doesn’t see.

 

The outside world doesn’t see the communication that establishes a D/s relationship. The long discussions over wants, desire, longings, limits, triggers both good and bad, aren’t known. The hours spent exploring one another’s psyche is hidden. The outside world also doesn’t see the investment in trust that is made on both sides. These relationships are first and foremost predicated on communication and trust. The trust is given a little bit at a time and is earned. Both sides watch, look, listen to responses, to actions. Is my partner respecting my wishes, is he/she listening and communicating even on the most basic level? Can I trust my partner to keep me safe? All of these elements are things that people who seek a BDSM type relationship consciously and openly contemplate. There is far more thought that goes into these relationships than goes into any ‘vanilla’ relationship I have ever been in.

 

What the outside world also doesn’t see is the care and nurturing that goes into D/s relationship. Yes, Maitre has at times asked a great deal of me both physically and mentally. He will go on to ask more and more of me as he senses I am ready and that the trust, investment and desire are there. BUT, he takes care of me. Not only in the traditional sense but in ways that aren’t part of a vanilla relationship. He tends to my heart, body and mind, before during and after. There is no rolling over and passing out. There is coming back and talking about it. What worked, what didn’t and why. What I needed but may not have gotten, why I got but didn’t need. THEN we pass out.

 

It is all given willingly and taken with appreciation. There is a saying in the D/s community. Submission is a gift. Let’s face it, we only give gifts to those we care for and respect.