Un Fait Accompli

I told my husband, unequivocally, that I am done.

But the truth is that while I have so much anger and resentment over the years of neglect lack of respect, I do love him and we are good together in many ways. But the alternate truth is that I have no NO sexual desire for him at all or men in general AND he did neglect me, he did marginalize my input, he did reject me fpr YEARS… so sometimes I wonder how the hell can I have moments of doubt over my decision. I gave it a good try. For years I tried talking to him telling him what I needed emotionally and physically. I cried, a talked, I pleaded and he blew me off until the day I left… then suddenly he’s paying attention.

I think I’m just second guessing myself out of fear of the unknown in a future that is not as secure. But it’s hard nonetheless.

So Done!

You know… I’m just so freaking angry! I’m angry with him all over again. I look at pictures of us when we were still new and I think of how much I loved him. I think of how happy we were and how I felt like I had finally found “the one”. The one person I could work through things with, the one person whom I could build a future with, feel secure with, feel wanted and loved with but he squandered that love.

For 5 years I told him I needed more. For 5 years I told him I was unhappy. For 5 years I told him that I’d happily do with less money to have more of him. I feel betrayed. I gave him all of me with out reservation. I promised him the rest of my life and he neglected me.

As much as I’d love to kiss and make up it’s just not in me, H or no H. There is just too much water under the bridge, too many years of resentment and feeling like I was the only one trying. It’s all just a day late and a dollar short.

Where does being a lesbian fit with this? I’m not sure but I honestly feel like if he had stepped up and we had worked on it I wouldn’t be where I am right now. My guess is that I would have stayed in a wonderfully emotionally fulfilling relationship that was sexually unfulfilling. I suppose I would have stayed only to wake up one day and regret it… or maybe not. I don’t know. I suppose it doesn’t matter.

Who knows maybe I should even be thanking him for neglecting me, breaking his promise and hurting me.

Happy Birthday to Me

Friday was my 48th birthday. When I woke up there were cops outside. Later I found out that my neighbor had died. They found him that morning on his front porch, his keys in the door.

I went 2 hours south to spend the night with H. After a quiet dinner we curled up.

There were no cards, no presents, no flowers, no hoopla… and it made no difference.

I’m in Love

 

I know it doesn’t make for very edgy bloggging but it’s true. I’m crazy about her and I’m in love. We are so different that you would think we would have trouble just being friends. Yet we make each other so happy….when we aren’t squabbling. It’s intense, it’s passionate, it’s connected and affectionate. It’s playful, it’s dead serious, it’s hot, sweet, cuddly and warm. In short, it’s everything that I have ever sought in a relationship. Is it perfect? No of course not. She’s not perfect, I’m not perfect and the relationship isn’t perfect. Are there moments of doubt? Absolutely, on both our parts just for different reasons. But that doesn’t change the fact that I love her. 

I grew up being made to feel like I’m an attention whore, co-dependant or somehow else deficient because every man I’ve ever met has been unable to meet my needs. Yeah, sure, it’s good for a while but not a one has ever been able or interested in sustaining the level of involvement and connection. Six months into the relationship I look up and wonder where they have gotten to and then I start second guessing myself… I must be too needy, I must be too dependent.  When in reality they are the ones who changed the dynamic in the relationship. They are the ones who went from warm, connected and affectionate to rolling over and snoring within a minute of orgasm. They are the ones who went from asking about my day to turning on the tube or sitting in front of the computer.

My beloved H and I have been involved 10 months and it does nothing but grow in intensity and connection. Is this all relationships with all women? I don’t know. But I know it’s my relationship with H. We work to make each other feel wanted and needed. We both understand that it is in the little things as well as the big things. It’s about the little affections couples share as well as making love. It’s about calling to say good morning as well as working through a problem. And it’s about stepping up to the plate when the other needs you to.  In short, responding to your partners needs, not taking them for granted.

I Used To

I used to make a point of exersizing the visual part of my brain every day. I would look at the websites of different artists or take my camera out for a walk. I don’t do that so much any more. My new job requires far more of me in all ways. My weekends are filled with my sweet H. And, well, maybe I just hit a lull. Who knows.

But I think I’m feelng a shift and I think I know where I want it to go. There are two directions that have interested me for a while; people and places.

The first is people but more specifically women. I would love to do a series of portraits but finding the models is hard. I have a friend at work with a wonderful soft vulnerablity to her . I would love to capture H’s curves and softness.

The second direction is more technically challenging but doesn’t require the cooperation of anyone but myself. I love pools of light. I love the lone house under a street light off in the country. I love the garish light of a gas station and the vignette of people going about their evening. I was driving back from Smithfield the other night. It was late and all along route 10 everything was shut down solid. There were country stores at cross roads that called to me. Abandoned trailers caught in my head lights that begged to be photographed. A country church lit by a street lamp with the top of the bell tower slowly fading away in the dark. The pool of light and how you feel that you are being given the chance to peek into the private vulnerability of anothers existance. These images I can begin to work on.

Hopefully soon I’ll post something.

On Choices…. like which fork to use

You know, I have a choice. I would say most people don’t. Maybe even 90% of the population doesn’t. Then again maybe I don’t either I just haven’t realized it.

The gay community says sexuality is not a choice and I gather most of the straight community would say the same thing with the exception of a handful of right wing types. Most people don’t feel drawn to both sexes but some of us are very much at home with either. The gay community will tell you that bisexuality doesn’t exist that it is only something you pass through regardless of the direction in which you are going.   But I don’t agree. I think many people have the ability to eroticize either sex. But I don’t think people are talking about sexuality. I think they are talking about (what I call) affection-ality.

Let’s face it. For almost all of us sex it a manifestation of a desire to be closer to someone, to express affection, it is an act between two people who are emotionally bonded. Yes there are those who can and do have sex recreationally (your’s truly included) but even for those individuals recreational sex does not take the place of a physical expression of bonded emotional intimacy….and that is affection-ality. Affection-ality is also who we feel most fulfilled with emotionally. Affection-ality is not a matter of choice my opinion we love who we love. End of story.

But are affection and sex irrevocably tied? Can you want to make a life with someone you feel no sexual affinity for? Is that the choice? And if it is, is it truly a viable choice or only an illusion of choice?

I feel everything I should feel for my husband EXCEPT any physical desire. I would even go so far as to say that my response to the thought of being sexually  intimate with him borders on repulsion. It has for a while actually…. as in years. But nonetheless I find that is where I want to be, with my husband.

But when I wonder if it’s a choice I know it’s not. I know the desire is not there and has not been there for a long time. I know I would have a very hard time “performing”, although once upon a time I enjoyed our sex life. I also am coming to believe that I am more at home emotionally and feel more sexually fulfilled with my girl friend.  Yet I can’t shake this feeling that home and hearth are with my husband.

I CAN choose to go home to him. I CAN choose to commit to creating a life with him. But for the life of me I can’t make that pesky sexual square peg fit in the round hole of our relationship. That simply is not a choice. 

Soft

…it is the way she feels beneath my finger tips, the way she smells at the nape of her neck. It’s her sweet breath that draws me to her. It is her softness that makes me want to stay.