Posts from the ‘Dynamic’ Category

Thoughts on Humiliation, Ownership and Ego

Something occurred to me in the midst of recounting our first bit of play and the emotional impact of the collar and leash.

 

Is it better that I went there with A first? Was a strong emotional impact an inevitable reaction to being dehumanized, being reduced like that? And if it was…would it have been that much stronger at his hands and that much more painful merely because the depth of emotional investment is so much greater? I care what he thinks and a deeper and more complex level than I do with A. Far less of my ego is invested with her.

 

Conversely, there were moments I felt that the same sex issue made it worse. I don’t trust women. I do trust A. But you have to wonder at what reflexive unconscious level you fall back onto the generalization of a segment of the population. (hmm…I’ve had this discussion a lot lately). Was I more likely, in a physically challenged and reduced state, regress to feeling a need to protect myself from a woman… regardless of how much I love and trust her?

 

I can’t answer any of these questions but I can see the potential for a stronger reaction with him. Despite the potential for reflexive protectionism with a woman my relationship with Maitre is ongoing and romantic. This I would think would lead both to a deeper affect and a longer lasting one. Given my past I also wonder if the abuse monster that hides in the corner might not have decided to pay a visit. I can see the potential for a PTSD type reaction.

 

So maybe, just maybe… having first genuine taste of humiliation at the hands of a more neutral party was a good thing.

 

Or here is another thought… maybe I’ve given so much of myself to him that he may not be able to effectively humiliate me. The ritual that is so often thought of as humiliating, being pissed on, was not a strong humiliation dig for me. It combines strongly with a sense of ownership. It was his right to piss on me. Might that be true for a collar and leash with him? Wouldn’t it be his right to make me crawl at his heel as if I were a dog? I suspect he might have to up the ante (sp?) for a humiliation exercise to be a real dig for me… either that or set my head up for it. 

 

Hell if I know… this is all blathering and speculation.

The 1st Time

My collar was commented on today for the first time. A male coworker asked me if my thumb ring meant anything. It completely caught me off guard. I scrambled to come up with an excuse… “I found it, thought it was cool on my thumb…”.

I could feel my ears turning red as it came out of my mouth. I ended up emailing him that it did indeed have meaning but it wasn’t something I really wanted to talk about at my cube. He emailed back that he had seen my reaction… my goose was cooked anyway.

After he left I noticed I had this quiet little glow in me. It made me happy to have someone ask. I wanted to tell him what that simple gold band on my thumb was. I am proud of my collar and to be his.

Missing

He hasn’t even left and I miss him already.

He leaves Wednesday for eleven days. I was suppose to see him today but out of all the days we’ve had in the past eight years it has to snow yesterday. We don’t get much snow “in these parts”… as a result businesses and schools were closed and so our plans completely FUCKED! What about tomorrow you say? BIG BIG maybe. I’ll hope but I won’t count on it. Why set myself up for disappointment.

He’s left me in A’s care. Who is A you ask and why have I been left in her care? 

A is a very dear friend of mine. I believe I’m mentioned the potential for her to join our play before. No? Well she finally did and it turns out little Miss Vanilla… isn’t so vanilla. She’s got budding Domme in her. So he is leaving me in her care. He’s given her directions and three tasks but beyond that I am hers for the eleven days. 

This should be interesting no?  I am definitely looking forward to this. I wonder what he has up his sleeve and what he’s put up hers and why.  I wonder if there is a rhyme or reason to his tasks? Lessons for me to learn or experiences to bring out her fledgling Domme. Or maybe they were just chosen for his pleasure alone in knowing what is going on.

BUT while I am looking forward to it she’s just not him. It’s not that I don’t love her. I do! I trust her and love her completely. And I trust him and love him completely. I know he would not give her a task that was beyond her at the moment. I know he would not put me in danger or put our friendship in danger. But she’s just not him.

Ok, I know that sounds really simplistic and fundemental…. that’s because it is.

I love my Daddy, my Maitre, my friend, my lover… I love his voice, his hand around my throat, his sweet caress of my cheek. I love his lap. I love my hand lost in his. I love the soft sounds of his accent. I love his bald head…especially with a day or two’s worth of growth on it.

I’m looking forward to what he wants of she and I? But I hate that he is going away.

To Maitre:

The following is a letter that I wrote Him. I’ve decided to make it an open letter. Why? Because I want to shout this to the world. But also because I can think of no better way to own my submission to him than to make it a public declaration.

Mon Cher Maitre-

You are so heavily on my mind today. Why more today than yesterday? I’m not sure maybe with today things have started to sink in a bit. As you mentioned this last couple of weeks have been filled with growth for Us and US.

This week especially I think. This week for the first time you’ve really taken steps to go where you want to take us. You have been testing my limits afresh, finding where that bit of resistance is that you will eventually push me past. You’ve started asking me to dig deeper and taking more freely. You’ve begun to degrade me and I just absolutely swoon when I think of this.

I love where we are going, though I can’t see what’s ahead very clearly (nor would I want to). I love that it brings us closer. I love that it excites us both (really beyond words for me). I love that it (I think) will entrench our dynamic that much more. I love that it makes the soft tender moments all the more soft and tender. I love that it makes me feel that much smaller and more helpless against you. I love all of it and I love what it does to my heart, my feelings for you. I can feel them unfolding in me, opening.

My desire to submit to you has grown to such a degree with the opening of our flood gates that it is visceral and beyond words. At long last I truly feel it in my gut and * know* I will degrade myself for your touch, your pain, your pleasure when the day comes that you ask it of me. I say “when”, because my gut tells me it’s not an “if”.

And when I think of all of this? I feel flooded. My muscles grow weak, my clit throbs and my heart fills.

Devotedly – Your little one

Lighter

To day is better. I’m not sure why but it is. It certainly doesn’t hurt that I spent some time this morning curled up in his lap, with the sunshine beating down on us, feeling safe and loved. I wish we had more time today. I could stand to spend sometime with the curtains drawn and the door barred as well.

 

I love this. I love the contrasts in the relationship. I love the sweet and warm, the snuggly and nurturing as much as I love the pain, the discipline and being bent to his will. I love that I am his friend and his lover, his submissive and his equal. I feel wrapped in a safe cocoon. I’m not even sure it is a matter of a D/s relationship. I think it is simply a matter of two people who both need to be strongly connected. The D/s is just how that need and connection manifest.  I miss it in the intervening stretches and often feel blown about by fate.

 

So this morning I feel brighter, less overwhelmed. This is good because I have a shit load of medical stuff to face in the next couple of days, none of it terribly bad or frightening thankfully just a bit wearing.

 

It’s nice to feel better, to feel brighter, to feel like I have my courage back.

Pouring In

Our floodgates have opened.

 

I’ve been looking for a way to express this for a bit now and that is probably the most expressive wording I can find. I search for the detail and the way to convey the how and why… and I lose the impact of this very simple fact.

 

Our floodgates have opened…and in it rushes; the intensity, the emotion, the need to dig for my submission to him.

 

How very lovely. How very difficult. How very scary. 

At Peace

I’ve felt strangely at peace the past few days. It’s most unlike me. Our time together on Wednesday was wonderful. Usually after an especially emotionally fulfilling time I just crave him all the more.  But this time while I still long for him. I am quiet inside. It’s very nice.

 We both agree it ran the gamut and was long, long over due. There are moments that I have revisited again and again, that are sustaining. And while I love our violence and those moment are cathartic and clear my head they weren’t the sustaining ones. 

I think the ones that have sustained me are those in which I felt claimed again. Those moments in which he pulled me into him with his eyes, with his breath, with his being. I told him that I feel most connected to him when we play but that isn’t completely accurate. What is more accurate is that I feel most connected to him during these quiet moments of intensity that are facilitated by our “play”.  I think the pain, the violence and the accepting of his will so immediately and intensely strips away what walls are between us. The play strips away the everyday facade we all carry with us, leaving us both bare and raw to one another.  I think it is in those moments of complete exposure, those moments that are without words but filled with communication, that I we are most connected. It is in those moments that I don’t feel so isolated and alone in the universe. It is in those moments that I truly feel my soul has touch the soul of another. 

I find the exchange of breath to be particularly powerful. When we are close, face to face, nose to nose, lips barely touching, his eyes locked on mine and our breath moves between us, his to mine, mine to his…  these moments I am lost in him, utterly and completely. 

 We had one other especially intense moment Wednesday. A completely (I think), spontaneous moment. I was in the shower getting cleaned up when he pulls the curtain back and  steps half way in. He is kissing me, and then he is marking me, I can feel his hot urine running down my body. I am lost in his kiss. I am lost in him. And when we seperate once again, I find that I don’t want to wash him off, that if I could I would have stayed in that moment.  I knew that if I ever truly felt disconnected from him I didn’t in that moment and know that I will once again feel my submission to him deep in my soul.  You see, it’s not that water sports are a huge kink for me, it wasn’t his water itself but the intimacy. It was his will and my completely willing, completely unconscious submission to his will.

going back down

I think I’ve written some about feeling like I was coming unraveled
some from our D/s, losing our connection or perhaps it leveling out is more precise.

When I went in for surgery I gave him my “collar” (a ring) to hold on to, as you can’t wear any jewelry. Well, I finally took my collar back yesterday. Right after surgery I felt that I needed to wait. I felt
disconnected and unsure if I was staying in the relationship. I wanted
to really want it. I wanted it to mean as much as the first time not
for it to be just as reflex or something I was suppose to do. I wanted
to feel at least the desire to truly be submissive to him, if not to
feel the submission.

I am a lucky lady. I have a sweet and wonderful Dominant who gave me
the space I needed and understood the value of letting me come back to
it on my own. I am sure there are those out there who would say take
it or leave it…permanently. Had he done that I would have walked away.

So now I have come back of my own choice but that doesn’t mean that my feeling of submission to him is automatic. Far from it. We had begun
a subtle struggle for power, which he did not call me due to my health
and the emotional trauma of my diagnosis. Perhaps he didn’t really see
it till the other day when I saw it too. I know this reflex to push to
have things my way and to get the answers I want, when I want them,
won’t just disappear.

This where the work begins and I suspect it will be harder now than
when I first met him. When I first met him I was filled with grief and
while not looking to replace my Bear, was needing a safe haven. I was
looking for the person I could trust with my submissive desires, with
my grief and with my need to hurt. When I met Maitre and it became
obvious that I could trust him with all of this I easily and willingly
turned it over. It poured out of me along with my grief.

But now we are…well…We. The relationship we have is ours alone and
the original building block, of my submission to Bear cut short and it
the grief that went along with it, has worn away. Now, although my
desire is there and the trust in him is still there, things have
changed drastically. My trust in ‘life’ has slipped. Not only my
cancer diagnosis but the difficulty we have had in being together in
the past 2 months have worn it down. I feel a need to watch my
emotional back. I feel a need to be in control of my life and while
not really at odds with my submission, it is counter intuitive. And
lastly I find that I am angry and want to lash out. I find that I am
angry at life for getting in our way, angry at my body for turning
against me, angry at my Bear for dieing and not being here when I need
him and angry at Maitre for being unable to be with me when I needed
him. Yes, I know that none of these are rational. But they are there
just the same.

So the work begins…again…and perhaps for real this time. I will
struggle against myself. He will mold me to him. I told him the other
day that this is his chance to build a better mousetrap. While he
loved the way I came, and was appreciative and took moving forward
with me seriously, the submissive I was, was not truly His. He had not
shaped me. I think he once said it was like being bequeathed a high
end sports car. Now he gets to build his own.

My emotions are all over the place on this. Excitement, anticipation,
dread at the work both emotional and physical, impatience, sadness. I
think the hardest part consciously will be moving at a pace other than
what I define. I suspect (knowing me) that I will test him every step
of the way.

the rest of the thought

…but then there is part of me that loves needing you, the feeling of having those needs filled; the emotional need, the physical need…and my need as a submissive, which on some level is wholly different from the others, yet contains the other two in it.

If I could but give up that need. If I could walk away from the need to hurt, from the need to submit, from the need to be demanded of, then maybe I would find peace. But it has always been there. It has lead me over and over to seek a new lover when the promise of the current one faded, when it became clear they could not fill my need that I had no name for. I won’t kid myself any more. Even if I were to walk away now, even if I were to find peace on some level in some other way, it would only come back. It always comes back.

So I will stay here with you and when our connection wanes for me I will tell you. I will try to wait patiently, try to touch Us in those quiet moments and if I can’t I will try not to panic. I will stay here with you not because it is the easy route or as g”ood as I could do”… I’m not settling. I stay here with you because, despite our imperfections, despite my need that is sometimes so huge you cannot begin to meet it, I will stay because this feels right, this feels good.

Why is it that I can accept cancer and prepare to muscle through everything that will come my way but I can’t muscle through the ebb and flow of our relationship?

A Good-bye, a Hello and a Thank You

I never posted much about my relationship with J out here. I’m not sure why but now that our relationship has changed (once again) I feel compelled to write a little something.

 

J is my friend and was my bottom. He was exploring his submissive side. I was exploring my latent Domme.  We really do have a lovely chemistry as playmates but Maitre had given me rules that restricted our play and minimized the possible rewards of our play (mostly for me). Yes, I understand why and never had any argument with them… although certainly chaffed against them at times.

 

It was with J that first paired my urge for dominance and cruelty with a loving energy. It was with J that I disassociated dominance in me from anger and vengeance. It was with J that I first felt that sublime feedback loop dominance > swoon > more dominance > greater erotic energy, and so forth. He may never understand what a truly wonderful gift he has given me.  Even if my journey ends here, never pursuing the She that is inside me further, these baby steps we danced together have changed me. Uncoupled from anger I own my sadism, it doesn’t own me. Uncoupled from anger a desire for power can be both loving and cruel, something to embrace not fear.

 

J has found someone he connects to so we are once again “just friends” as they say (not that I some how see friendship as lacking).  I am thrilled for him! He deserves that connection that feeds the heart (not only the loins). There is no anger or resentment in me to go along with the sense of loss. Certainly, I will miss his touch greatly. He is a wonderfully sensuous being who you can feel “drink” you in, absorbing you with his touch. I would have to be dead not to miss that energy. But I’ve had a couple of days to think about this and all in all it feels right.

 

I have this deep and wonderful connection with Maitre that we really have only begun to explore. My opportunity to explore this other side of me came along early in my relationship with Him and while I wanted to make this foray into dominance, with His support, I struggled with the decision. It felt too soon in my relationship with Him, there was too much to explore with him, too much to learn about him and our dynamic to still settle into. But I understood the magnitude of having the opportunity to explore this with a trusted friend and so took it.

 

With J choosing to step back from a sexual relationship with me I can see a number of things. I can see the greater sense of balance within myself, in terms of dynamic and emotions associated with both dynamics but also a balance found in choice.  I can also see how young my relationship with Maitre still is and how I want to refocus solely on it. Splitting my dynamic was hard if not impossible. So while there is an internal balance wrought of having felt both sides of the coin I cannot be two places at once.

 

For now my place is under Him. This is where I need to be in our relationship.