I had a long talk with an old friend last night. It was the first time that I’ve really spoken truthfully about my confusion to a live person. It was the first time I have been able to say…. that while this journey is where I need to be right now I’m not convinced that I won’t want to be his wife later. While this is all good and well for me to feel it does not provide a course of action and that is what I need to decide on.  I need to decide if I want to be alone or his wife and that decision moves forward with me into the future unlike my sexuality which can (and probably will be) fluid.

I stop and look at the “facts” –

  • I love having my own little place.
  • I love having K in my life.
  • I (really) love women.
  • I’ve loved men but feel like I’m pretty much over them.
  • I’m scared to be on my own and this economy doesn’t let you sugar coat possibilities for being unemployed and destitute.
  • If I stayed with K I would retire comfortably (very) but that’s not a reason to stay in a relationship that is fulfilling… or is it? and anyway the thing is it’s not completely unfulfilling.
  • K feels like home
  • I want to stand strong within myself.
  • I feel strong in myself these days.
Advertisements