You know, I have a choice. I would say most people don’t. Maybe even 90% of the population doesn’t. Then again maybe I don’t either I just haven’t realized it.

The gay community says sexuality is not a choice and I gather most of the straight community would say the same thing with the exception of a handful of right wing types. Most people don’t feel drawn to both sexes but some of us are very much at home with either. The gay community will tell you that bisexuality doesn’t exist that it is only something you pass through regardless of the direction in which you are going.   But I don’t agree. I think many people have the ability to eroticize either sex. But I don’t think people are talking about sexuality. I think they are talking about (what I call) affection-ality.

Let’s face it. For almost all of us sex it a manifestation of a desire to be closer to someone, to express affection, it is an act between two people who are emotionally bonded. Yes there are those who can and do have sex recreationally (your’s truly included) but even for those individuals recreational sex does not take the place of a physical expression of bonded emotional intimacy….and that is affection-ality. Affection-ality is also who we feel most fulfilled with emotionally. Affection-ality is not a matter of choice my opinion we love who we love. End of story.

But are affection and sex irrevocably tied? Can you want to make a life with someone you feel no sexual affinity for? Is that the choice? And if it is, is it truly a viable choice or only an illusion of choice?

I feel everything I should feel for my husband EXCEPT any physical desire. I would even go so far as to say that my response to the thought of being sexually  intimate with him borders on repulsion. It has for a while actually…. as in years. But nonetheless I find that is where I want to be, with my husband.

But when I wonder if it’s a choice I know it’s not. I know the desire is not there and has not been there for a long time. I know I would have a very hard time “performing”, although once upon a time I enjoyed our sex life. I also am coming to believe that I am more at home emotionally and feel more sexually fulfilled with my girl friend.  Yet I can’t shake this feeling that home and hearth are with my husband.

I CAN choose to go home to him. I CAN choose to commit to creating a life with him. But for the life of me I can’t make that pesky sexual square peg fit in the round hole of our relationship. That simply is not a choice.