There are times when the pain is huge, all engulfing. I truly don’t understand how we could have gone from so wrapped up and crazy for one another to her going away far, far away. And in my grief and desperation to understand I pushed her all the way away and now I don’t have her at all.

It wasn’t that long ago that I saw her for the first time in 20 odd years. She welcomed me with arms opened wide and held me close against her. It wasn’t long ago that I would nuzzle at her neck to breathe in that intoxicating smell that is hers. It wasn’t that long ago that we would spend hours on the phone almost every night.

But now? All I have is echoes in my head that I can’t get to shut the fuck up! And I go round and round wondering why. And the tears flow down my face.

Our birthdays are exactly one month apart. I thought surely she would at least txt me a happy birthday.

How do I stop the hurt? How do I let go? Why doesn’t she want me when she was sooo into me for a while (her exact words were “yeah, I’m really into you”). Her every behavior told me she was as wrapped up in me as I was in her. So why? I don’t understand!