How does one make two diametrically opposed relationship peacefully co-exist? You put limits on both of them you would rather not have to put on either one.

I gave Maitre back his collar last week. Instead of talking to me he chose to pull away because he thought his life circumstances were changing. His really idiotic logic being that I would have my relationship with M to fill the void. As if her presence would keep me from hurting any less from the perceived rejection and abandonment of someone I gave my trust to. Someone I gave the type of trust that you only give in a D/s relationship, the “I’m willing to fly blind because I trust you to take care of me” type of trust, the I’m willing to walk into the lion’s den of my own fears because I know you are there to catch me trust.

In his defense I will say that our time was already pretty scarce over the past month but he left me wondering why he wasn’t trying all the harder to just reach out in small ways. Of course it made it all the worse when I found out that it wasn’t entirely life circumstance but projected possible circumstance that had kept him from calling, writing and maybe even seeing me.

When M walked into my life I told him that this was something I had to do, had to explore, that she had haunted me all these years and I wasn’t walking away from it. He said he was fine with that as long as he remained my focus. Well he blew that didn’t he? Because he was right, in his absence M was there to pick up the pieces (so to speak) even if she didn’t realize it, even if I didn’t realize it. He gave us all the time we needed to get close. He gave me all the emotional space I needed to move in her direction. We are and I did.

So here I am finding that I have two relationships, two very real relationships. Two relationships that are completely contradictory to one another.

My the bloom of my relationship with M opens just a bit more every day and I am finding it to be magical. The soft, warm, nurturing, space of caring for a woman is lovely. There is magic as well in having your sweetheart intuitively understand your head and heart. I have always appreciated the loveliness of a woman’s body. The curves, the softness are so enticing. But, to combine that with a touch that speaks to your soul? Sublime.

I have two worlds now. I have the sweet warm vanilla love of my M and I have the strong testosterone driven kinky love of Maitre. Making the two co-exist is hard. I want to give all of myself to both but that can’t happen. So I put limits on them. I probably won’t take Maitre’s collar back anytime in the foreseeable future because I can’t give him that unconditional submission he once had. With my dear M I hold back a little piece of my heart because to do otherwise would surely mean I would fall in love with someone who is unavailable most of the time, with someone who has a drinking problem, with someone who is vanilla. I am scared if I let us fall in love I would only hurt her. Would need more I eventually need more than she can give? Would the drinking become untenable? … and then… Would sooner or later I need my kink? Would I need cock? I can’t answer any of these and the only way to answer them is to let them happen and risk hurting her. And I won’t risk hurting her.