When last we saw our heroine….

She was waiting to see if her lesbian crush from college is willing to take a chance with a twice committed woman.

What can I say….I can be very persuasive.  😀

The truth is that the distance and scheduling will make this at best an occasional thing and hopefully discourage a huge attachment. Now… of course me being me (and M being M) we will (and do already) care for one another.  How couldn’t we? The friendship was right there where we left off. It was easy to be with her, talk and share with her. Touching her was far far too easy!…and lovely. But there are miles and hours between us and a full knowledge of what we face.

She asked me a very relevant question. Why do I need so many people in my life? While I didn’t go looking for “so many people” she is right.  I told her what I believe to be the truth because; I have this big hole in my heart that I can’t ever quite seem to get filled up with love. A big hole left by a father who walked out of my life at 12 and the emotionally inaccessible alcoholic mother who raised me. It is left by a brother who ditched when he was 18 (and I was 11).   It’s left from growing up in an environment where what little emotional security was the gift of my amazing godmother. Just too much rejection, too many holes, too much second guessing that I am lovable and worth while. Bear used to tell me that I was a leaky tea cup and that no matter how much love he poured in I would always run dry and always need more. He was right.

So here I am a middle aged woman who finally understands herself, who finally can see her behavior for what it is… and who is at peace with it. For now I am lucky enough to have a husband, a Daddy and a sweetheart who all care for me very much in their own particular ways.