My email draft folder today broke 100. Many of them are thoughts left unexpressed. It’s a place a hide my secrets. The place where I leave my thoughts I don’t want to send him. I wonder if I should have done that with all of today’s thoughts.

 

I am livid with him and, even as much as I’ve come to love him, I’m over the pain out weighing the joy.

 

So why do I wish I had kept my thoughts a secret because sharing them with him won’t turn out to be satisfying. So why fucking bother. Why won’t  it? Because he will simultaneously be contrite and patronizing. How does he do that anyway? It’s not like to day was out of the ordinary for the drill. It’s just that today I’m over it, over feeling like a second class citizen.

 

I’m finding myself to be wholly dissatisfied with this relationship today. I’ve thought seriously about quitting it. I mean what’s the point? It has no future. It won’t grow and develop and today I am finding that very depressing. I can’t make up my mind as to whether I rather curl up in a little ball and cry or smack the living shit out of him. Yesterday I told him that in so many ways this relationship is everything I’ve always looked for, not that it or he are perfect, just that the fit of wants and needs is so good. Maybe that’s why its so hard for it to be a pretend relationship, a maybe relationship, a ghost of a relationship. I suppose I’ve come to the point where I’m ready for this to take even a baby step in some direction but it won’t ever, ever, ever, ever.  I’m ready to be something more than a second class citizen or a shadow.  He’ll tell me I am but the truth is he can’t treat me like anything else. There is no wiggle room.

 

There isn’t even enough wiggle room to bother writing about it… why bother…nothing is going to change. There is no reason to express these thoughts because they are futile. Reasoning out my feelings does no good this time…and I suppose that is really why sharing today’s thoughts with him will only be frustrating. He won’t do anything. There is nothing for him to do without changing his life or taking risks he’s unwilling to take. That’s all there is too it.