Well, I finally received the expected scathing email. I can’t say that I blame her or that I’m surprised. She said she was fine but I had a feeling she was fooling herself or maybe she expected a denial. I don’t know.

 

I’m sorry for her pain but I have no regrets and hold no guilt. It took 4 of use to make this perfect storm (as I’ve pointed out).  He gave me back so much of myself. Before he walked into my life I felt like a dried up old hag.

 

I feel like telling her to “get over it that sex happens and eventually happens elsewhere if it’s not happening at home”….ergo her relationship with an old friend whose married.  I wonder when the hypocrisy of that is going to sink in?

 

Why? Why do people think they can be everything to another for the next 50 years? Why do they think just because they don’t need physical affection or connection that their spouse doesn’t need it to? She once told me that she could see that he wasn’t happy. What did she think was going to happen? Why are spouses always so surprised? They know their husband/wife better than anyone. The man she married with a huge sexuality was still the same man.

 

If anyone has the right to be surprised it will be my husband who married a mousey insecure abused woman who through his love, and the love of her lover once again became the woman she was. But some how I get the feeling when he finds out (and it is a when, of this I’m sure) he’ll be hurt but not shocked.

 

As I told a friend it’s a relief not to see her anymore or go to the house. Not because I feel guilty but because it was bone crushingly sad every time. His absence is huge in the house and around her….and quite honestly I’m not so sure we have all that much in common. Sad eh?

 

So now I can keep my memories of him in that house as it was before he died. The den still a warm cozy space, dark green, with it’s low ceiling and warm light (although, he hated it, lol).  I can see him in the kitchen cooking or kneeling on the floor like a little kid looking for some Tupperware. I can see him the dining room holding court at the dinner table or walking down the hall… he’s there and now there won’t be years of memories written over those. I thought I needed her to keep him with me, keep him alive. I’m coming to believe the opposite.

 

At any rate… onward.