Something occurred to me in the midst of recounting our first bit of play and the emotional impact of the collar and leash.

 

Is it better that I went there with A first? Was a strong emotional impact an inevitable reaction to being dehumanized, being reduced like that? And if it was…would it have been that much stronger at his hands and that much more painful merely because the depth of emotional investment is so much greater? I care what he thinks and a deeper and more complex level than I do with A. Far less of my ego is invested with her.

 

Conversely, there were moments I felt that the same sex issue made it worse. I don’t trust women. I do trust A. But you have to wonder at what reflexive unconscious level you fall back onto the generalization of a segment of the population. (hmm…I’ve had this discussion a lot lately). Was I more likely, in a physically challenged and reduced state, regress to feeling a need to protect myself from a woman… regardless of how much I love and trust her?

 

I can’t answer any of these questions but I can see the potential for a stronger reaction with him. Despite the potential for reflexive protectionism with a woman my relationship with Maitre is ongoing and romantic. This I would think would lead both to a deeper affect and a longer lasting one. Given my past I also wonder if the abuse monster that hides in the corner might not have decided to pay a visit. I can see the potential for a PTSD type reaction.

 

So maybe, just maybe… having first genuine taste of humiliation at the hands of a more neutral party was a good thing.

 

Or here is another thought… maybe I’ve given so much of myself to him that he may not be able to effectively humiliate me. The ritual that is so often thought of as humiliating, being pissed on, was not a strong humiliation dig for me. It combines strongly with a sense of ownership. It was his right to piss on me. Might that be true for a collar and leash with him? Wouldn’t it be his right to make me crawl at his heel as if I were a dog? I suspect he might have to up the ante (sp?) for a humiliation exercise to be a real dig for me… either that or set my head up for it. 

 

Hell if I know… this is all blathering and speculation.