Original date on this March 10, 2009

“To thine own self be true” ~ William Shakespeare

This was one of my mom’s favorite quotes and this morning I have it rattling around in my head. I know what it means but I have no idea how to accomplish it. First one must know one’s self and while I have a new friend who lauds me for that quality I wonder how true it is.

I ask myself what is it that I want. Especially these days as Maitre and I grow closer. Or maybe the two are independent. Maybe knowing yourself and knowing what you want are two separate things.

I say I would go nuts out in the country, yet some of my happiest moments have been agrarian in nature. So maybe it is that I would go nuts isolated, that I need to be a social creature.

My ethics are not that of the upper middle class in which I currently find myself ensconced. I have always been an advocate for the underdog for a number of reasons, not the least of which are the years I spent struggling hand to mouth. Yet I am most certainly and intellectual and bit of a snob….what the fuck am I suppose to do with that? I fit in neither realm. The “Haves” offend me with their greed but I do not blend with the “Have Nots” as my vocabulary and interests betray my over education.

I long to wander the globe yet love things that tie me to one place. My animals are essential to my well being, horses especially. How do you satisfy wanderlust while needing the connection in the human equine bond? Or is it merely the connection I need? If I had full time with a human the depth of connection that one creates in that non-verbal bond and partnership with a horse would I be happy? Or is it specific to the species?

(This brings up the question as to whether horse people seek a bond that they never learned to create with humans…but that’s another post entirely).

All of this leads me of course to Maitre and asking myself what do I really want… what do I NEED. Our non-verbal connection is sublime. Our emotional needs line up beautifully. Our ability to communicate and face down difficulties between us is rock solid. These are most definitely needs of mine. But I have other needs as well and here is where I struggle. Mostly I struggle that in my desire to continue to have those needs met (even potentially full time) that I will try to make him into someone he is not. I love him too much to do that and in the long run we would both be miserable.

Yet I look at my current situation and I see the opposite. I choose to stay in a relationship in which my intimacy needs (both emotional and sexual) are barely met, if that. I see myself trying to make him into something they are not emotionally. He does not need emotional connection, he does not need sex and he certainly does not need power-exchange. I might be able to live without the last if I had the first two but I don’t.

So am I a coward and a hypocrite because I can’t bring myself to leave a comfortable upper middle class existence in favor of the potential for emotional fulfillment? Or is that I simply don’t know myself?

But oh to have it all in one place!