I can tell, today is going to be a prolific day. Here we go… post 2 of ??? for March 10, 2009.

The end. The Tamoxifen is definitely going to take my cycle from me. My period was 1 day this month and it wasn’t “right”. This is bitter sweet for me.

Much of how I have defined myself most of my life has been manifest in my monthly bleed. My fertility is gone. The capacity to bear children is gone. My girl is my fourth and only pregnancy take to term. Why are young women revered? Because they can bear children. Menopause marks the beginning of the end, where life ceases there is death.

I am an odd bird by any measure and evidently by this one as well. I am one of the few women I know that actually appreciated her monthly blood letting. For most of my life it has been brief, not overly painful and not particularly heavy. Afterwards I always felt purged, clean and refreshed. That first week after my menses always felt as if it was all potential and anything was possible. I also enjoyed that high I would get at the beginning of the week prior to it. My sexuality would go through the roof. You would touch me and I would become wet and swell in readiness. But I suppose that little bit also got me into a fair amount of trouble. 😉

How is it to be always the same? I don’t remember life before the ups and downs that hormones bring to a woman’s life. I wonder if things will feel flat and a “sameness” will creep in around the edges.

Will there be things I won’t miss? Sure a day’s worth of wanting to tear some poor passerby’s throat out, if not my own, the hassle of remembering supplies and the hassle of having to be able to find a place to change said supplies. But really… that is it. Otherwise my cycle is as much a part of me as anything else.

B always said I smelled richer, fuller, more sexual a couple of days before. He said he loved it.