I have a couple of girlfriends who mean well enough but seem to be offended by my “damn it I’m going to smile and be thankful” attitude through all of this cancer crap. They feel as though I’m not acknowledging it, or that I’m repressing my pain and anger. HA! They OUGHT to know me better than that.

The truth is that if I let the cancer steal my smile… then the cancer wins. If I don’t wake up happy to be here another day…then the cancer wins. If I sit around and mope, bemoaning my fate that my body turned against me…then the cancer wins. I refuse to let the cancer steal one moment of time from me that doesn’t have to!

Does that mean I don’t have tough moments? Hell no! I cry, I’m sad, I’m angry. I’m tired AND sick and tired of dealing. I’m over my breast hurting. And quite honestly there are moments when the next three weeks seem overwhelming because chances are it will all only get worse. My fatigue will increase, my mood will continue to tank and my breast will hurt more and more … I’ll consider myself lucky if I don’t lose a layer of skin to the fucking radiation.

But I’ll be damned if I’m going to give in! We are doing this on MY terms. I’m not letting the disease rule me! Anyway… I’m going to be fine, this is more a pain in the ass than anything else. There are those far sicker than I am. I have nothing to mope about.

So between now and 4 weeks from now when I expect to be on the upswing, radiation over and skin healing, I plan on being just as tough and ornery and positive as I can muster.

Now… all I need is for him to come home because the refuge of his big arms, to be sad and overwhelmed in, makes it that much easier. I’m missing him a great deal this morning.