Folks I’m struggling here. I’m trying to be up beat and I’m trying to really embrace that I’ve dodged a HUGE bullet on this one. But everytime I turn around they are finding something else wrong with me. None of it big but it feels like New Years Day I was young, vibrant and alive and by January 2nd it started crumbling.

First the cancer, now the spot on my lung…which everyone is saying is nothing but we will watch just incase (umm…mom and two uncles died of lung CA), now I learn that the CT from my radiation showed degenerative bone disease in my spine. I shouldn’t be surprised. I’m not surprised. I have a curve there and it hurts quite often…but it’s just one more piece of me that has something wrong with it. Friday I go for a colonoscopy just as a screening measure after my bout of diverticulitus (remember that back in December?) I’m terrified about what they are going to find.

This morning I was reading the IHT and in the culture section there was an article on the costumes some designer is creating for Dita Von Tesse, the burlesque performer. I popped out to her website and I just felt older and more worn out. I looked at her at thought about how I might at one time embraced some wonderfully exhibitionist as a career…an honest to goodness one with aiming at the famous venues like the Crazy Horse in Paris. Although, honestly while I had the body and the kenistetic talent, I didn’t have the face or a voice that would have propelled me beyond cheap strip club. Dita is a chanteuse as well.

But I didn’t grow up with the self esteem to even think about it, let alone embrace it and now of course my youth has slipped right past me. I wasted it on seeking the aproval of others, instead of my own. I wasted it by trying to define myself through the men in my life, winning their love, being their for them. Instead I should have been reaching out for life and embracing the relationships that came to me as a strong and focused woman. I should have embraced relationships that gave as well as took but my entire life, until Bear and Maitre they have all taken in their own way. All sucked me dry. Even my loving devoted husband,  who now after 10 years and my endless efforts to make things a two way street, is just now rallying. Now he feels me drifting away, now he is scared that he might loose me to my cancer, or to whomever that gold band on my thumb is attached to. He’s no idiot. Yes, I know, he has gone heretofore unmentioned because this blog is not about him, not about us, that resides elsewhere.

Anway… this is why I haven’t been posting much…just kinda not having anything worthwhile to say.  Don’t get me wrong. I am well aware of how lucky I am and inordinately thankful the whatever or whomever saw fit to let me stick around a while longer… I guess I’m just tired and worn down.