The drop is definitely worse for me the second day. We had a
wonderfully intense time yesterday and today I’m ready to crawl under
a rock. The Seasonal Affective depression doesn’t help, yesterday
having been a sad anniversary doesn’t help nor does the diagnosis. I
just really, really hate feeling like this.

However, he just called and that did help. YAY Daddy! Right on
time…sigh… now if only I could just curl up in his lap.

Let’s talk some more about sub-drop. There are times, like right now,
that I truly wonder if the feeling of fulfillment, the high during and
contentment immediately following are worth the black pit on the other
side. I also wonder if it’s any easier if you are a 24/7 arrangement
or at least a “free access” arrangement. Not one constrained by time,
distance and other responsibilities. How would it be to wake to him
knowing I could cuddle in to that sweet furry chest and tell him I’m
bottoming out? One can only assume that it would help.

Sometimes I feel like I set myself up for these black holes. Be it
entering a relationship where the sense of connectedness isn’t
sufficient (I’ve done this any number of times) or entering a
relationship with wonderful feeling of connection but where the
logistics are all wrong. Ever feel like you sabotage yourself? And
why is it so hard to unravel what isn’t working, let it go and try to
find something that will work better?

Another thought about playing. I was just reflecting on yesterday’s
play some more or perhaps more specifically on our mental states. He
told me later that it was very intense for him and as I have said it
was for me as well. But this is what occurred to me. Had he not told
me that I would not have known it and this surprises me. I tend to
read people well so why don’t I pick up on him while we’re playing? I
can think of two things right off the top of my head. The first is he
keeps my attention moving, nothing is very prolonged and the physical
stimuli are intense and always changing. Then of course the very
nature of it sends you inward. It’s almost a meditative state. It all
comes together to create a connected yet disconnected state. I feel
almost that I am part of him but my conscious mind is quiet so my
analytical side is disengaged. The result is when I think back I have
no sense of where he was mentally. Yesterday at one point I was way
far gone when he came up to my face and demanded my attention but I
can’t remember seeing his face, the expressions and so on. I don’t
know if I hid my face from him or whether I just don’t remember. I
wish I could though. Now I think back and I would love to be able to
remember his expression in those moments. Ah well.