I’ve felt strangely at peace the past few days. It’s most unlike me. Our time together on Wednesday was wonderful. Usually after an especially emotionally fulfilling time I just crave him all the more.  But this time while I still long for him. I am quiet inside. It’s very nice.

 We both agree it ran the gamut and was long, long over due. There are moments that I have revisited again and again, that are sustaining. And while I love our violence and those moment are cathartic and clear my head they weren’t the sustaining ones. 

I think the ones that have sustained me are those in which I felt claimed again. Those moments in which he pulled me into him with his eyes, with his breath, with his being. I told him that I feel most connected to him when we play but that isn’t completely accurate. What is more accurate is that I feel most connected to him during these quiet moments of intensity that are facilitated by our “play”.  I think the pain, the violence and the accepting of his will so immediately and intensely strips away what walls are between us. The play strips away the everyday facade we all carry with us, leaving us both bare and raw to one another.  I think it is in those moments of complete exposure, those moments that are without words but filled with communication, that I we are most connected. It is in those moments that I don’t feel so isolated and alone in the universe. It is in those moments that I truly feel my soul has touch the soul of another. 

I find the exchange of breath to be particularly powerful. When we are close, face to face, nose to nose, lips barely touching, his eyes locked on mine and our breath moves between us, his to mine, mine to his…  these moments I am lost in him, utterly and completely. 

 We had one other especially intense moment Wednesday. A completely (I think), spontaneous moment. I was in the shower getting cleaned up when he pulls the curtain back and  steps half way in. He is kissing me, and then he is marking me, I can feel his hot urine running down my body. I am lost in his kiss. I am lost in him. And when we seperate once again, I find that I don’t want to wash him off, that if I could I would have stayed in that moment.  I knew that if I ever truly felt disconnected from him I didn’t in that moment and know that I will once again feel my submission to him deep in my soul.  You see, it’s not that water sports are a huge kink for me, it wasn’t his water itself but the intimacy. It was his will and my completely willing, completely unconscious submission to his will.