I think I’ve written some about feeling like I was coming unraveled
some from our D/s, losing our connection or perhaps it leveling out is more precise.

When I went in for surgery I gave him my “collar” (a ring) to hold on to, as you can’t wear any jewelry. Well, I finally took my collar back yesterday. Right after surgery I felt that I needed to wait. I felt
disconnected and unsure if I was staying in the relationship. I wanted
to really want it. I wanted it to mean as much as the first time not
for it to be just as reflex or something I was suppose to do. I wanted
to feel at least the desire to truly be submissive to him, if not to
feel the submission.

I am a lucky lady. I have a sweet and wonderful Dominant who gave me
the space I needed and understood the value of letting me come back to
it on my own. I am sure there are those out there who would say take
it or leave it…permanently. Had he done that I would have walked away.

So now I have come back of my own choice but that doesn’t mean that my feeling of submission to him is automatic. Far from it. We had begun
a subtle struggle for power, which he did not call me due to my health
and the emotional trauma of my diagnosis. Perhaps he didn’t really see
it till the other day when I saw it too. I know this reflex to push to
have things my way and to get the answers I want, when I want them,
won’t just disappear.

This where the work begins and I suspect it will be harder now than
when I first met him. When I first met him I was filled with grief and
while not looking to replace my Bear, was needing a safe haven. I was
looking for the person I could trust with my submissive desires, with
my grief and with my need to hurt. When I met Maitre and it became
obvious that I could trust him with all of this I easily and willingly
turned it over. It poured out of me along with my grief.

But now we are…well…We. The relationship we have is ours alone and
the original building block, of my submission to Bear cut short and it
the grief that went along with it, has worn away. Now, although my
desire is there and the trust in him is still there, things have
changed drastically. My trust in ‘life’ has slipped. Not only my
cancer diagnosis but the difficulty we have had in being together in
the past 2 months have worn it down. I feel a need to watch my
emotional back. I feel a need to be in control of my life and while
not really at odds with my submission, it is counter intuitive. And
lastly I find that I am angry and want to lash out. I find that I am
angry at life for getting in our way, angry at my body for turning
against me, angry at my Bear for dieing and not being here when I need
him and angry at Maitre for being unable to be with me when I needed
him. Yes, I know that none of these are rational. But they are there
just the same.

So the work begins…again…and perhaps for real this time. I will
struggle against myself. He will mold me to him. I told him the other
day that this is his chance to build a better mousetrap. While he
loved the way I came, and was appreciative and took moving forward
with me seriously, the submissive I was, was not truly His. He had not
shaped me. I think he once said it was like being bequeathed a high
end sports car. Now he gets to build his own.

My emotions are all over the place on this. Excitement, anticipation,
dread at the work both emotional and physical, impatience, sadness. I
think the hardest part consciously will be moving at a pace other than
what I define. I suspect (knowing me) that I will test him every step
of the way.