…but then there is part of me that loves needing you, the feeling of having those needs filled; the emotional need, the physical need…and my need as a submissive, which on some level is wholly different from the others, yet contains the other two in it.

If I could but give up that need. If I could walk away from the need to hurt, from the need to submit, from the need to be demanded of, then maybe I would find peace. But it has always been there. It has lead me over and over to seek a new lover when the promise of the current one faded, when it became clear they could not fill my need that I had no name for. I won’t kid myself any more. Even if I were to walk away now, even if I were to find peace on some level in some other way, it would only come back. It always comes back.

So I will stay here with you and when our connection wanes for me I will tell you. I will try to wait patiently, try to touch Us in those quiet moments and if I can’t I will try not to panic. I will stay here with you not because it is the easy route or as g”ood as I could do”… I’m not settling. I stay here with you because, despite our imperfections, despite my need that is sometimes so huge you cannot begin to meet it, I will stay because this feels right, this feels good.

Why is it that I can accept cancer and prepare to muscle through everything that will come my way but I can’t muscle through the ebb and flow of our relationship?