Every little ache and pain, every little change in what I perceive as “normal” for me, causes anxiety. Every time something twinges I jump…cancer…metastases…I’m …
I really need to find something else to focus on. If I could only get some real time with Maitre I would have something else to focus on.
It seems like forever since we’ve been able to sync our schedules for some real time on a regular basis. I’m beginning to really feel his absence emotionally. I’m not nearly as tightly wrapped around him as I was a couple of months ago. I don’t like it one little bit. I want to be wrapped up tightly in him. I’ve even toyed with quitting. Thinking that it would be less pain full just to grieve the relationship than to constantly have my hopes dashed.
Yet when I read other D/s blogs it brings me right back to why I am in it, what a good fit we are and how we are far more than just Dom/sub. We care for one another deeply and have become  wonderful friends. To have that coupled with a  wonderful bdsm relationship…well… I don’t think I would find that again anytime soon.
At the same time though I am sooo very tired of being on hold. I’m tired of having to try to maintain my headspace both submissively and emotionally without much input at all from him. I guess the truth is that I really can’t and while I’m not leaving we will have some work to do to rebuild, to wrap me tightly back around him as my Maitre.