The holidays are funny aren’t they? They put you in a headspace that is different from any other time of the year.

I’m away visiting family. I just spoke with Maitre and while I both appreciate him and love him throughout the year there was something about speaking to him just now that drove home how much he has come to mean to me. It’s not merely being away although that certainly magnifies it but it is being away so completely from that which he gives my heart. It is his quiet and simple understanding of who I am and his acceptance of the many things that make me up. Speaking to him I found a special place opening up inside of me. I had unwittingly sealed that place off while I was away from him but simply hearing the man who is not only my Maitre and Daddy but also my friend and lover, opened that place up.

I was discussing “the lifestyle” with my cousin today. He asked if I thought my yearnings came from a place of low self-esteem. I’ve always known the answer to be no. Quite the opposite. Today I very clearly recognized that not only do my yearnings NOT come from low self-esteem but rather, since truly embracing who I am and learning to be comfortable in my skin, I feel stronger, more confident and more secure than I have ever felt in my life.

This is the place that opened to me. This place of full knowledge of myself and full knowledge of being loved for who I am, all of me. With him, I am all of me and in being all of me I am strong. I don’t think I had quite realized before the impact of hiding part of myself away. Yes, I know none of us kinksters are ever completely ourselves in the vanilla world…but have you ever paid attention to how much of yourself you aren’t? I don’t mean dominant or submissive. I’m talking more about this unconscious secreting away of part of your soul because unlike most around you there is something just a little different about you…something that most people wouldn’t understand.

When I spoke to him and opened to being myself there was this lovely feeling of release, of letting my guard down and being whole. Is it simply the result of communication with someone who is safe in a broader sense of the term? Or is it something special in us? My guess is it is a bit of both. It was part simply “hanging” with someone of the same ilk and part touching his heart and mind. Touching the heart and mind of the man who I have grown to trust more than I think I have any other individual.