This morning we played for a little while…well, it was actually more like he played with me. He slid his lovely fingers in me and knows me so well that I was on edge almost immediately. This is pretty normal for us. He told me I could orgasm when ever I was ready. I told (struggling to speak mind you) that I didn’t think I wanted too. 

He immediately withdrew his finger. pfftt… but slipped it back in and take me so much by surprise with his accuracy and chi that I really didn’t have a choice, I came. I’m usually pretty good at pushing them down but not this time. I was already excited and he went straight for the kill…the loss of power was sublimely erotic and I came hard for an extended period of time.

Here is my question though…. was I, by saying I didn’t want to come topping from the bottom?

My excuse to myself was wanting to suffer, to yearn, to long physically for him. I wanted to feel that edge but even then isn’t that topping from the bottom? Isn’t that akin to saying “well, you don’t ask enough of me so I’ll ask it of myself”? Wasn’t I pushing his hand? 

Here is another thought to add to the pile. The loss of power over my orgasm… in retrospect it was freeing.  I didn’t have a choice, my body responded. If I did have a choice it was the most tenuous of threads. Anyone who knows me in life will be surprised by this…but I carry a certain amount of guilt when it comes to orgasms. Although completely comfortable with my sexuality, I feel guilty orgasming unless it is during coitus.  Why? I feel selfish.  This next may come as a surprise to him. Although, I come easily for his hands (as well as his cock) there is always a little part of me that is reticent, part of me that feels guilty and part of me that holds back, at least initially.  So this morning when he took my orgasm from me it just poured from me and it reached deep inside me.

I really hate to be one of these women who seems to need to have permission to enjoy sex. True it is not strictly accrate that it is the sex I feel guilty about, but rather being selfish.  But I still hate that it inhibits me…. then again, maybe all of this will only be another toy for him to play with.

Now I’ve made myself late for work.