No, this is not a post about Christmas. It’s not even a post about trees. It’s a post about pining … get it evergreen, pine, pining… yes, I know bad pun… but hey, your reading right? LOL 

On to the post….

Sometimes I wonder if I pine for him? Or if I pine for our connection and our kink. Is there a difference? I think there is. I see it as the difference between how I feel about him and how he makes me feel. But damn if I don’t have a hell off a time telling them apart.

I’m sitting here missing him but what am I really missing? I would say right now I am missing his physical presence; his touch, his kiss, the feel of his hand on my body both loving and cruel.  But is that missing him? Are the man and his kink integral to one another. Sometimes I feel like it is. I feel like it is only one part, one manifestation of the man. I feel that given the chance it could all fall into place so beautifully with him. Then at other moments I think that it is simply biochemistry, endorphins and pheromones. I fear this chemical high will soon wear off and I will wake one day to look at him and wonder what I am doing.

Not that there are any decisions to be made, no impending possible future, no moving, no joining of lives. In the long run this is just another academic question that I ask myself. But for some reason it’s very important to me. I want to know… it is it the man I love or how he makes me feel? It’s kind of sad that I will probably never know.