I never posted much about my relationship with J out here. I’m not sure why but now that our relationship has changed (once again) I feel compelled to write a little something.

 

J is my friend and was my bottom. He was exploring his submissive side. I was exploring my latent Domme.  We really do have a lovely chemistry as playmates but Maitre had given me rules that restricted our play and minimized the possible rewards of our play (mostly for me). Yes, I understand why and never had any argument with them… although certainly chaffed against them at times.

 

It was with J that first paired my urge for dominance and cruelty with a loving energy. It was with J that I disassociated dominance in me from anger and vengeance. It was with J that I first felt that sublime feedback loop dominance > swoon > more dominance > greater erotic energy, and so forth. He may never understand what a truly wonderful gift he has given me.  Even if my journey ends here, never pursuing the She that is inside me further, these baby steps we danced together have changed me. Uncoupled from anger I own my sadism, it doesn’t own me. Uncoupled from anger a desire for power can be both loving and cruel, something to embrace not fear.

 

J has found someone he connects to so we are once again “just friends” as they say (not that I some how see friendship as lacking).  I am thrilled for him! He deserves that connection that feeds the heart (not only the loins). There is no anger or resentment in me to go along with the sense of loss. Certainly, I will miss his touch greatly. He is a wonderfully sensuous being who you can feel “drink” you in, absorbing you with his touch. I would have to be dead not to miss that energy. But I’ve had a couple of days to think about this and all in all it feels right.

 

I have this deep and wonderful connection with Maitre that we really have only begun to explore. My opportunity to explore this other side of me came along early in my relationship with Him and while I wanted to make this foray into dominance, with His support, I struggled with the decision. It felt too soon in my relationship with Him, there was too much to explore with him, too much to learn about him and our dynamic to still settle into. But I understood the magnitude of having the opportunity to explore this with a trusted friend and so took it.

 

With J choosing to step back from a sexual relationship with me I can see a number of things. I can see the greater sense of balance within myself, in terms of dynamic and emotions associated with both dynamics but also a balance found in choice.  I can also see how young my relationship with Maitre still is and how I want to refocus solely on it. Splitting my dynamic was hard if not impossible. So while there is an internal balance wrought of having felt both sides of the coin I cannot be two places at once.

 

For now my place is under Him. This is where I need to be in our relationship.