I’ve been in a funk all day long. I feel worn down, my rotator cuff is killing me, my back hurts and I’m just really digesting that I’ve allowed myself to make him to important to me

By the nature of our situations, our proximity and so on he simply cannot be who I go to for comfort. He cannot be my primary source of support. That is what I allowed to happen this last week. I allowed myself to put him in that position emotionally and so felt abandoned and angry when he could not fill that need. This sucks, he feels good in that slot.

He gets home tonight and your guess, dear reader, is as good as mine as to whether I will hear from him. Now understand, I knew this coming on board. I knew what the situation was and where I stood. I just allowed myself to care too much… I allowed myself to come to love him. Investing my heart in this was a bad idea. But can you really invest the level of trust we have invested in one another and not come to care?

I don’t know. All I know is that I miss him, that when I was sick and hurting I wanted him by my side but couldn’t have him and that what I have isn’t enough. Or rather what I have isn’t enough as I am. I just need to unravel myself a bit from this, put him at a little more of a distance. I hate this idea and quite honestly I’m not sure I can pull it off.