I follow the blog of a photographer in Tennesse. She is a wedding photographer by trade, so there are many “happy couple” images appearing on her pages.

 

I look at those faces and wonder for how long thye will smile. I wonder how long it will take before resentment sets in and things become acrimonious. How long will it take before those images taken of the loving happy couple become little more than a source of pain and symbol of failure?

 

I look at their happiness, I think of the pain and feelings of failure that lurk in the shadows of their future…and then I think of Maitre and I. For that matter I think of most anyone. Can an enduring, happy and fulfilling long term relationship be created? Or are the all doomed to failure.

 

I have a long history of long term relationship that have all failed. Well, I guess that is a rather obvious statement or I wouldn’t be with Maitre. But I think of this truth and it makes me sad. The last one endured for 10+ years but I suspect that is only because it was encumbered by the legalities associated with a marriage license. It rather makes you wonder if you should bother. Why put yourself through it? Is starting a relationship that you know will only end up in gut wrenching pain a type of masochism all it’s own?

 

I know that Maitre and I are finite. It is the nature of our relationship. We have known this from the very beginning. However, this simple fact along with my history leave me no doubt that  somewhere  in the future my heart will ache terribly. (god sometimes I get so tired of hurting). Yet I go forward with this. I let myself fall into it and into him. I let myself swim in the warm soft waters of our affection for one another.  But, when you know there is an end, when you know there is always an end and it always crushes you… then why bother? Why set yourself up?

 

Well into my middle years I am finally giving up the illusion of ‘happily ever after’. Up until recently I thought it was a matter of relativity. I knew that there is no fairy tale-perfect storybook ‘happily ever after’. But I suppose I harbored hope, some where deep in my heart, (being the romantic I am) that maybe just maybe there was a realistic relative down-to-earth ‘happily ever after’.

 

I had so really, really hoped that I could find someone to contentedly grow old with. That we could be that elderly couple you see in the park who still hold hands. It just doesn’t seem to be my lot in life to be content for long and it sucks, and hurts and makes me kinda angry that the one thing I really wanted in life, more than anything else will elude me.

 

It seems like such a simple thing to want. Doesn’t it?