On a ‘nilla board I hang out on, on a thread entitled “glutton for punishment”, someone posted ..but each time the wound slightly scabs over I find a way to make it bleed again. 

We were talking about how some people tend to revisit their emotional pain and how some even induce it. I’ve been this way most of my life. I would ruminate about worse case scenarios, the horrific “what ifs” that spring from our unconscious unbidden, the worries about fidelity, safety and health of our loved ones. I’m sure you know the type. I once had someone call me an optimistic pessimist. I hope for the best but expect the worst.

In short we were talking about emotional masochism…see, even ‘nilla’s do it.

I’ve notice that this trait has quieted during my involvement with Maitre. Yes there is the occasional irrational “squirrel” but for the most part I am very much at peace. The interesting thing is that now that I do feel safe, do feel loved and wanted I crave purposefully exploring emotional pain and thus my interest in humiliation play. It’s not a huge desire. It’s more the passing interest that seems to coincide with an over mood of mine but it’s there nonetheless. I also know full well that if I put it on the table, which I have (obviously), that when we play at this will be at his discretion, not my whim. 

I must be really twisted. Why would I want to go to these places purposefully? But then I consider this…who better to explore this pain, to experience this catharsis with than with someone I trust with my very life? Who better to tear me down and build me back up than someone I know I am completely safe with. At the same time I worry that an inadvertent wrong step could ruin us. That hitting the wrong nerve in the wrong way could conceivably damage all we have worked to build all the trust we have created.

I wonder if ignored, this tendency to ‘pick at the scabs’, this urge to dig up pain and explore it in order to come back to the light, I wonder if in time if I ignored it might go away.