I wrestled with whether I should cross post this and decided in favor. To those of you who read both blogs, my apologies. I just really feel a need for to share this, to get it out of me.




I sit there watching bright red drops of blood come trickling out of me, watching them hit the water making their little donut-shaped clouds, then settling and sliding down the toilet bowl wall. I have been having periods, heavy ones at that, twice a month like clock work so the doc pulled my IUD today.


Why is this harder for me than deleting his cell phone number (which I still haven’t done)? This is somehow more final. This somehow seems to truly acknowledge that he is gone. The simplicity and ease with which I made the decision was what caught me. I had it put in for him, in a way it was his IUD, like so many things about me were his or his doing. He is gone, it’s superfluous, it can go.


The baby he always wanted but never had, our passion kept barren, those bright red drops falling quietly into the toilet… tears of my womb.


Yet another good-bye and I wonder when the waves will stop coming.