Masturbating is worthless. 

Ok, maybe that’s a bit harsh. But while it has its place in sating the immediate physical need it does nothing for the need for intimacy beside make it worse. There have been times in my life when I was solo that I’ve given it up all together. I would rather want physically than ache for a connection I cannot have.

So much of BDSM is couched in the sexual and I suppose for many it is predominantly sexual. I suppose those individuals would fall under top/bottom and s/m.  However, neither am I drawn to submission just for the sake of submission as are some people. I find that for me it is this heady mix of both the dynamic and the sexuality.

I find that in my submission is an intense connection to my loved one, my Dominant.  It is in the common knowledge of one another, it is in the trust, among other aspects. The greater my affection and regard for an individual the deeper my desire to submit. At it’s greatest depth It is in essence how I say “I love you”. My desire to sit at his feet, to hear him call me little one, or (secret weakness here) princess is far from the sexual. To be in his care, nurtured by him, watched over by him fills my heart. When my heart is full for him I would go anywhere that he would ask me (of course I do this in full knowledge that he would never abuse this power and his love for me keeps me safe).

But here is the part that doesn’t make sense…it all starts as sexual. Certainly my submission was not of any substantial depth early on and it most certainly started as sexual. It started with baby steps of trust. It started with what little submission I was willing to give at the start. So in the end it comes full circle doesn’t it. Sexual, leads to emotional, leads to a deeper sexuality and a deeper level of emotional connection.

I suppose vanilla relationships work the same way but with somewhat less at stake.

I’m just missing him and wanting to write. I’m not sure this is really of any worth of relevance to anything. Thanks for indulging me.