In another blog I’ve started reading a discussion has been on going centered on defining a healthy D/s relationship and trust. (see blog roll for “A Kind Dom”).


I used to give it away, trust that is. I used to extend my trust, thinking the best of folks first and protecting myself second. After all isn’t this how life should be lived? Isn’t this what we should be able to do? But you know, this is how you get burned and having gotten burned very badly once I am now more careful.


Now my trust must be earned. I don’t set the bar so high that it can never be gotten over. I start low and build from there. It is not my intention to set people up for failure, only to protect myself. But yearn it you must. This is what I did with Maitre. I made him earn my trust.


I know this sounds jack-ass-backwards for a D/s relationship but it really isn’t.  Think about it a moment. I asked him to earn my trust so that I could come to yield to him, submit to him, completely and unconditionally.  I asked him to prove to me through his actions, repeatedly and with ever increasing demands, that I could trust him with my very life. In the end, isn’t that what a submissive does? She trusts her dominant with her very life?  Sound dramatic? It shouldn’t. Think about it the next time you let someone bind you or blind fold you.


When I tell Maitre I love him these are some of  the things I think of. I think of how he was not just accepting or willing, but happy to earn my trust. I think of how, in the beginning, he wanted me to let A know where I was when I was with him. Hell, he reminded me once.


When I first came together with him I had a thing about parity, and in some ways I still do but they are different now. He accepted that too. I not only wanted, but required that things be even initially. There were moments of power exchange for sure. Parity is not an eye for an eye. Parity is about equivalent measures. I wouldn’t let him take more than he was willing to give me. For us at the beginning this was proving his trust. For every degree for which he was willing to prove his trust, I would yield a degree of my power.


We had one or two moments at the very beginning where things were uneven, where there was a struggle for power. They took some negotiating. They also took my being able to explain myself. I was able to explain that I wasn’t struggling for power, for powers sake, but for safety’s sake. I explained that I was struggling for power so that I could yield my power unconditionally some day.


I think that this is at the core of much of the pain that many submissives go through. It is our nature, we want to trust, and we want to submit…we just give it away instead of making them earn it. But why? Being strong is not in opposition to submission. It takes a great deal of inner strength to submit. That same inner strength should be applied to taking care of ourselves.


Oh and about parity? The need is still alive and well in our relationship. But it no longer manifests in earning trust or exchange of power. I trust him completely, I am his completely. Now it manifests in invested energy. I need to feel that we both want this and are both willing to put energy into it. It maybe different types of energy and it may ebb and flow but ultimately there should be a feeling of balance.