Anima and animus – Carl Jung

As Maitre once put it to me early on in our relationship… “I don’t think you believe that someone can actually treat you well and beat the crap out of you.”

He was right of course and that is what I really crave. I crave the pain but wrapped up in love, respect, and nurturing. I want the pain. I want to explore both physical and emotional pain…but I want to always know in my core of cores that I am safe, that I am wrapped up in love and that I will always come back to reality of being wanted.

And this is why I don’t just “bottom” because it isn’t about the pain on its own. It’s about the lovely juxtaposition of falling head long into the deepest darkest parts of ourselves only to come rushing back up to the surface and the pure joy and light of a warm and caring relationship.

I want to loose control and cower at the possibilities. I want to flinch (and do) when he raises his hand. I want to embrace fear. I want to embrace pain. I want to embrace worthlessness and humiliation. But will only do so, can only do so, if I know that on the other end are his warm strong loving arms.

I suspect we will never go to the deepest darkest places though I trust him to take me there and bring me back safely.  We won’t go these places unless something changes in our lives. I can’t even imagine going these places if I can’t reach out to him when I start to drop hard.  Hell, I drop hard enough as it sometime and struggle with our lives and schedules in those moments. I can’t begin to imagine being reduced to the level I long to and have to cope on my own later. In fact, I would say I don’t want to go these places unless we can spend a weekend at it. If we could have 48 hours locked away on our own, maybe a cabin in the woods, where he could reduce me completely and then build me back up… well, such are the things that fantasies are made of.