Due to a blog I’ve been following, and my comments to her, I’ve spent a fair amount of time the past couple of days thinking about abusive relationships, my past abuse and how it has shaped who I am….both for better and for worse.

In the previous post I said that often a favorite trick of abusers is to make you feel as though you are complicit in your own abuse. It made me think about how I felt complicit. Even know I find myself writing as if I was responsible for my abuse. I wasn’t. I may have stuck around for a bit but that was out of wanting to trust the person I had come to love…but the person I thought I loved didn’t really exist. He was an aberration, an act put on by my ex.

 My ex’s favorite method was to abuse my bisexual poly nature. I would happily bring other women into our relationship. But once brought close he would cast me aside in favor of them. Usually, it did not go beyond a one time bedding of the new girl. I was welcome to seduce her, I was welcome to literally bring her to our bed, but I was not welcome to participate… I was simply cold shouldered out. The pain was incredible. The rejection was two fold. Not only was I being rejected by him but I was being rejected by the (by now) friend as well.

 This was pretty effective when you think about it. Sexuality is not a portion of one’s life easily shared with others. I kept my mouth shut…and the shame became two fold. I was ashamed that I was allowing myself to be treated so poorly and that my sexuality was so abhorrent that I couldn’t talk to anyone. I mean what sort of woman would bring other women to her marriage bed and then submissively step out of the way when not wanted. (note the word submissive).  It’s hard to go and cry on someone’s shoulders when you are unwilling to tell them why.

 I look back on it now and I get so angry that I want to cry. I get angry on many levels. These days I get angry that a piece of me may have been stolen from me forever.

 I was once easily and comfortably (although not very successfully) bisexual. Now I stumble over it. Like many places in my life my self confidence is gone. I assume that whatever woman is the object of my desire does not find me attractive. I believe that I will be at best inadequate as a lover. And now with Maitre in my life, I worry that I will be an embarrassment to him.

 Once I could have easily embraced a sister sub/co wife. Now I no longer have the capacity to trust in my heart to that extent. I’m not sure I could once again believe that I can be just as loved for who I am even if he cares for another. At one point in my life I really longed for a triad. I wanted a both a woman and a man to be in love with and make a family with.  I just really don’t think that is in me anymore. 

 But who knows maybe someday down the road ….