Sheeeze! Sometimes I reread my posts and absolutely cringe at my use of language! Where did this flowery verbose romantic come from and what the hell did she do with the nut n bolts analyst that used to live in this mind!  For anyone who reads this tripe I write… I really do have more than two brain cells to rub together, it’s just seems that sometimes I don’t rub them very hard. LOL.

 So, what I was driving at in my previous post was the counter intuitive juxtaposition that can exist in submission. I’ve heard more than one submissive woman give this voice, so I know I’m not alone in this.  

The stronger and more self-confident I feel, the more I can let go, the deeper my desire and ability to submit become. I can only attribute it to being able to trust yourself. Strength and self-confidence translate into trusting your own judgment and instinct. When you trust your judgment you don’t second guess yourself constantly.  If you can’t trust your own judgment you are forever second guessing yourself and wonder if you really can trust your partner. It doesn’t matter if it is vanilla or rocky-road flavors we are talking about, it works just the same.

 I feel stronger and more self-confident now than I have ever felt before. With every day that goes by that Maitre continues to be the man he is (trust worthy, forthright, steady and loving) the more I trust myself again.  “Look, I picked a good ‘un”. I know that sounds silly to some. But those of you have had the misfortune to have been in an abusive relationship you know how important that is.

 Abusive relationships rob you of your strength and self confidence. The abuser, under the guise of being loving and helpful, casts aspersions even on the littlest things you do. “Here honey, let me show you how to boil water. No, no, no, it’s much easier to fill an ice tray this way.”   They do this while lulling you into trusting them. Then later systematically go about acting in untrustworthy manners that slowly escalate over time. For example, coming home chronically a half hour late by the end of the year becomes staying out all night.

 The result is you no longer trust your judgment. You find yourself questioning whether you should be condemning their behavior. When you do question their behavior they turn it on you. It suddenly becomes your fault they were out all night getting laid. Another cute trick they use is to make you feel complicit in your own abuse so that you are reticent to open you mouth to friends (if you have any left by this point)… why? Because if you tell family or friends they are going to help you see that you are being he is abused.

 It took only 1 relationship and 6 years to loose my self-confidence, to become a washed out shell of who I once was.

 It took 3 relationships and 15 years to undo all the damage that mother fucker did!

 So my dearest Maitre I thank you and those who came before you for giving me back who I was so I can embrace who I would like to be.