My heart is raw. Today’s anniversary has a finality to it. I need your warmth and affection. I need how you focus me forward, helping me not to dwell in the sadness of the past. I just need to put my head in your lap and let you stroke my hair.

 I NEED YOU!!!!

I need you but have no way of telling you and if I did you would have no way of responding to it.

I FUCKING HATE THIS PART!!!!

Why should I give myself to someone? Why should I allow myself to become emotionally involved with someone or dependant on someone who can’t be there for me when I need them?  

I would say this is my fault and not yours. I would say that it is my fault that I have allowed myself to care for you, that I have allowed myself to come to depend on you emotionally and that I have not retained my self containment.  But the reality is that it is a function of our dynamic and allowing it makes this all the fuller and richer. Sure we could have a D/s dynamic, of sorts, without the involvement and I could have held on to myself. But what would we have? Nothing. Nothing real or visceral at any rate. We would be going through the motions. My submission would not be as primal. I would not dig as deep for you. I would not be as willing to suffer for you. I would not long to sit at your feet. Do you think you would truly feel your dominance over me was real? Would the hunger I feel in your touch be as strong and compelling? I doubt it. It would be a game.

 But all of those truths do not keep me from hurting when I need you, in these bitter sad moments of grief,  and you can’t be here.