Yesterday I posted about the inequity in our communication. I believe I have better insight into my feelings today. After rereading my post from yesterday, and sleeping my feelings, things are a bit clearer.

I am very simply having trouble accepting the inherent inequity of the situation. No matter how much I want this…and I do… I chafe most at this specific portion of the distribution of power. A seasoned submissive would tell me that writing and sharing of myself to this extent is just another act of submission, another act of trust. Rationally I see this but emotionally I have trouble accepting it. After all, I am not a seasoned submissive.

I suppose a certain amount of reactance is to be expected. It is part of my growth in this. Are these struggles along the way, be it this or any other, are part of why I want this, crave this? Is struggling with myself part of why I am drawn to this?

Daddy, I am having a hard time with this inequity. It helps to remember that it is an act of submission but it still makes me cringe. Why do I cringe?  I cringe because at every other time in my life this level of inequity was either negligence or abuse. No, I do not feel that you are engaging in either. At worst life gets in the way.

I am not seeking to create a more equitable relationship. I am not wanting to change us in any big way. All I want, all I need is your help in this. I need your help accepting this and remembering to feel secure and loved. I need your help in feeling safe and good in this act of submission that sharing so much of myself is. (And yes, I know I started it voluntarily).

I always knew that the emotional aspects would be the hardest. You can beat me until the cows come home and it is only but so much submission. But asking me to dig deep emotionally?  It is just so hard for me sometimes.

As with most of my inner life how urgent it is changes. There are days like yesterday I struggle with this and there are other days when it is no struggle at all.