…one sided conversation, one sided sharing…

OK our communication and sharing isn’t really one sided, it just feels a bit lopsided at times and is probably no more lopsided than is consistent with our dynamic. However, this feeling lead me to write the following….

I give you everything that goes on inside my head and heart but only get part of what goes on in you. Sometimes I chafe at it. It doesn’t feel fair. It doesn’t feel fair that you should know about every bump in my road, ever buckle in my pavement but that I should only get intermitten acknowledgement of it and bits and pieces of you. Then again how is “fair” defined?

A quick look on line shows that the word is defined as “free from bias, dishonesty, or injustice: a fair decision; a fair judge.”

The definition lacks any word “equal”. Things do not have to be equal to be fair. Fair is relative.  When I look at the definition of fair I have no complaints. There has been no dishonesty, no injustice and what bias there is, is the very bias we both desire.  So why do I chafe? I suppose because I feel that it is absent minded. I feel as though (once again) I am giving of myself freely only for it to be disregarded, seen as worthless, or unwanted. Yes, I know this is the exact opposite of what you tell me.  

Perhaps the rub is in the “how”. In ‘nilla relationships, the demonstration of worth is in the reciprocity of the act. This paradigm can’t be applied to a Dominant/submissive relationship. I can’t look for my value to you in terms of reciprocal behavior. But giving of myself continuously, though I love that you want it, and I gladly do it, leaves this very odd unsettled feeling ( maybe it’s suppose to).  This is only magnified by the physical distance in our lives. If we were closer, not even 24/7 , just at liberty to see one another when the spirit moved us would I still feel this way? 

I seem to be in a between a rock on and a hard place.   I want this. I want our dynamic. I crave our dynamic. It is what I’ve always longed for. However, if the cultural standards of communicating worth and desire in a relationship (reciprocity and demonstrative actions) are not open to us then I need to be quiet, grounded and patient.  This is a weak point for me. I’m a roller coaster when it comes to being grounded and sure of us, as this entry attests to.

How do I remember? Hell, how do I OWN that I am safe, that the less than equitable level of communication is not negligence or disregard but more a function of us and of dynamic? I know that I am voluminous in my sharing and I am happy to give of myself freely. It’s just that I tend have these moments of fear and insecurity. Moments when I want to hear from you, feel  you just as much as I give to you.

In the end I find myself feeling that when we are apart, you have this. You have all my thoughts, you have all my feelings, out here in black and white…. I suppose at times I’m just a bit jealous that I don’t have such a resource.