I’m sorry… I did exactly what I said I wouldn’t do… actually, I didn’t delete the posts I just hid them instead.

They just take up too much energy with nothing. They are little more than emotional vomiting and exhausted me to read, so why would I want to put anyone else through that. I’ll give the shortened sane version here.

Yesterday I was in a state, it wasn’t until later in the day that I realized that this “state” was in no small part do to feeling like I have a blind spot in my relationship with C, there was/is feeling of “unknown”. This always pushes my buttons. This feeling was the result of feeling like maybe he’s backed off a bit, or has been a bit less forthcoming than he used to be. There are three possibilities –
1) it’s my imagination
2) he’s unaware of it and it is more life intervening than anything
3) it’s purposeful

When I examined all this I came up with a couple of different truths about myself. The first I knew, that a feeling of not quite knowing where my partner’s head is makes me insecure, impinges on my ability to trust and puts me on the defensive. The feeling that my lover’s motivations being obscured immediately throws his motivations into doubt with me. I struggle to maintain perspective and often fly off to a place of fear and doubt.

This is my biggie with me. My ability to trust is not stable. The smallest shift in behavior and I get defensive. This is no way to maintain a relationship. Rationally I know this…but fear is not rational. This leaves me fighting for my fragile ability to trust.

Just because I don’t know exactly where his head is doesn’t mean I should be defensive. I need to remember that day he fed me lunch on my knees, naked, with my eyes closed… the situations are analogous it’s just that one is in the intangible emotional realm while the other is in the physical realm.

I’ve wondered if I don’t spook like this when on some intuitive level I feel we are about to grow in who we are. I wonder if that is the unknown I spook at.

I’m going to cut myself some slack here… a D/s relationship puts the sub in a very emotionally vulnerable position. I don’t think the occasional spook is unhealthy or out of the norm, especially given the newness of our relationship. I think what is important is how I handle it.

The other thing I learned about myself? Part of me wants him to break my propensity to revoke my trust. Afterall this is basically what I am doing. I want to be rid of my fear of trust. Having said that I know we aren’t there… or rather I’m not there. I think if he tried it now it would be disastrous. In fact I’m not sure given the lack of free access we have to one another if this is something we could ever do.

… the above falls under conditioning/training… an emotionally laden subject even theoretically, let alone applying it to ones self!