Sitting here… (still)… completely unable to focus on my work. I’m sitting here wondering if the shift I mentioned below is in him or is in me…or both. I know that I can feel in myself my combative nature rising. I’ve felt it since last week. I felt it in a fun way during our play but I’ve also felt it in a very serious way, now and again, at other times.

 There is a very real part of me that wants to say …”Yeah, right, like I’m going to acquiesce to you in anyway other way, shape or form beyond the purely physical”.

 There is the part of me that wants to get up in his face and say… “What the fuck do I look like, some sort of fucking fool? Do I look stupid enough to trust you unconditionally with my body and my heart? Do I look like I’m dumb enough to let you dick around with my head? Do I look like I’m stupid enough to just put up and shut up?”

 Then there is the part of me that very much wants him to move me into that, to bring me to that point of letting go, of trusting him completely, acquiescing to him regardless and then to prove to me that I can trust him with that… not because I can’t or won’t take care of myself, but because I don’t have to protect myself. Part of me wants to hear that he is starting to ask me to be patient, starting to ask me to wait till he comes to me with his energy, starting to ask me not to expect it returned right away just because I give and that my trust in him and patience will be rewarded…in short asking me to submit with my will, not just my body.

 Regardless of why I am in this mood, if its me or him or some interaction of the two of us that I’m picking up on… it all boils down to one thing…. Trust.

 What I’m struggling really hard with today is trust. I don’t know whether this is just me being me, if it’s a natural off shoot of the journey we are on together or just my mood. But that is what it is… trust, or lack there of… second guessing my giving of myself… and wanting desperately to smack him in the face because (um, only sort of) … dunno… maybe because I really want to trust him but I’m scared to.