I’m struggling today, just really fucking struggling today. I’m struggling so much that I’m not sure I even want to put a post out here because he’ll find it and know where my head is. I’m not sure I want to give him the satisfaction of knowing where my head is. I’m not sure I want to give him the power intrinsic to knowing where my head is.

 

Part of me wants to delete his readership. Part of me wants to ask what the fuck is up. Part of me wants to just cut him off, stop talking, stop sharing, stop giving him any power over me what so ever. And what occurs to me with posting this is that I feel like I don’t know what’s going on in his head!

 

I feel like I’m feeling a shift in him and I don’t know what that shift is. Not knowing what that shift is makes me want to pull waaaay back, gather the wagons in a circle if you will. In short it puts me in a defensive posture.

 

So I am sitting here struggling. Struggling with my perceptions and how they do or don’t fit in with reality. Struggling with how to respond to those perceptions. Struggling with the nature of our relationship and the incredibly vulnerable position it puts me in. Cause you know what? Vulnerable is all hunky dory when you are feeling good about things. BUT the moment there are any shadows, the moment there is the slightest big of uncertainty… vulnerability? Well, it’s a fucking scary assed place to be.

 

Right now I just want to hit delete, I don’t want to post this, I just want to curl up in a little ball and protect myself, just want to get up in his face, just want to cry…. Cause I really don’t know what I should do.

 

And all of this is because I feel like I’m going to put this out here for no good reason what so ever.