We played pretty hard yesterday and the Gestalt of it was different. There was more fight to me than there has been before.

 

I was teasing him the other night that he was too easy on me, that he spoils me and is too generous. Well, he took it to heart.  My advice? Don’t poke a caged animal with a stick, especially one you are going to let loose later.

 

He pushed me harder both physically and psychologically. He beat the hell out of my feet and he made me come to him for my release. He has never done this before. He’s always spoiled me. But he will rightly point out that I’m the one who said he should do it. So he did. He asked me what I wanted, he wanted me to tell him, he wanted me to ask for my orgasm… well, I got my back up… and told him that I wanted nothing.  Of course this was a bold face lie, I desperately wanted to come. But the interesting thing about me is that when you start demanding of me, start trying to obviously manipulate me, I dig my heels in and get stubborn. I’m like this in general. The manifestation during play is  visceral… “make me” becomes my attitude. I only danced around the edges of it yesterday.
 
This was somewhere new for us. I don’t know how it felt for him but for me I know it was the tip of the iceberg. If he wants the challenge it’s there all he has to do is push harder and he’ll get more resistance. I will go from “make me” to “break me”. I can feel it in my veins.  I’ll go from sticking my tongue out in play to spitting in his face (I think, lol).

 

But yesterday was not the time. Yesterday I caved. I caved earlier than I might have otherwise I think because it had been weeks since we had been alone and we just never know when our next chance will be.  I caved because no sooner had he stopped randomly playing with my pussy to get me and keep me excited, that I desperately wanted what I just turned down…my orgasm. I also recognize now that I caved sooner because this was new territory for us and I didn’t know where it would go or how it would end and I wasn’t prepared for an ending that left me squirming emotionally and physically. The day I’m prepared to be left hanging I will be harder to bring to heel.

 

But here is the flip side of that. Being alone the next day. My drop is worse the following day than it is in the hours after we play. I’m sitting here in physical discomfort, somewhat depressed and in emotional isolation of a sort. I’ve begun to realize this is the pattern. I hate it. I always want to be with him, or even to just talk with him the day after but because of our lives I am more often than not left to my own devices.

 

So I sit here and I think about resisting him. I think about putting some fight into our play. While that sounds both fun and interesting I wonder what the next day will be like. How bad it is will depend on any number of factors but I’m guessing my endorphins will run that much higher and my emotions will be that much more intense, and so the crash that much harder.