I’m realizing that somewhere over the weekend I got my back up (as in set against) towards Maitre.  Not sure why. It has something to do with communication, parity, feeling a bit lost in myself and feeling a bit lost on where his head is about J and my little adventures in topping. I’ll feel better when I can pin point it.

 

I’m not sure where I am and how I feel about it even. There is this feeling of things being out of alignment. It has to do with my devotion-loyalty-focus to him as his and my fledgling attempts at topping. It has to do with exploring this dynamic that is new to me and how it feels like it runs contrary to what and who I am to him. Being autonomous and independent in my life doesn’t throw things out of balance BUT these feelings do collide with my relationship to him.

 

I’m thinking that I can’t do both at the same time. I feel like it runs counter to my need and desire to be under him. He has given me the parameters he needs to be in place and has left any additional ones up to me. But the ones I might put in place run counter the task at hand. My inclination is to play only with him but at the same time I need to grow to feel comfortable in my top skin. It’s still so new, hell, I don’t even know if it’s a skin I want to keep. But I feel like I have to put it on and wear it on my own, that I would feel self conscious, embarrassed even, to wear it around him. So clearly the “only play with him” option isn’t friendly to this.

 

It feels like I can’t be both places at once.  I can’t have my head in a submissive place, yielding unconditionally to him AND have my head in a toppy autonomous place.   His Bella wants to give herself over, to yield completely to his desires. But this other person needs to learn not only to be autonomous but self confident in that autonomy. She needs to be comfortable and confident in the decision making and in the possession of power. I’m finding these contradictory headspaces.

 

Let’s revisit the word “task” for a moment. “The task at hand”.  Part of me wants this to be for him, for this to be a task he has given me. But isn’t THAT contradictory to becoming comfortable in my top skin? Isn’t making it an act of submission, a task to complete for him thus relinquishing my autonomy and giving him the power that I am suppose to be becoming comfortable with?

 

Maybe I just need to know how he feels about all of this. I have his permission but that is not the same thing as his approval and it certainly is not the same thing as this being something he wants.  I need to know if this is what he wants, if he approves. I need to know how he feels about it.