A friend of mine’s relationship is ending. She found out that his Adult Friend Finder profile is up and active and although he says he’s had no encounters it’s been a less than wonderful relationship for a while. But while I was writing her, telling her how sorry I am that she’s hurting, I saw only to clearly how hypocritical I was being.

 

I don’t really have a leg to stand on to for righteous indignation, do I? I’ve been as guilty as her boyfriend.

 

You know, it’s one thing to not be monogamous in nature. It’s quite another thing to know that about yourself but profess to the contrary. It’s both deceitful and hurtful.

 

In the long run that’s the really shitty part, misrepresenting your self, allowing someone to live and love a person who doesn’t really exist.  It always, always leads to pain.  

 

I can make all the justifications I want but the truth is I’m just not capable of monogamy. I never have been capable of it. I have lied to myself and others. I tell myself that it’s always when the relationship has gone south, or because of not enough attention etc… but as true as some of those statements maybe … it still doesn’t forgive my actions. I have still misrepresented myself.