Wanna know when submission gets hard? It’s not during play time. That’s friggen cake walk. It’s when you have to fucking suck it up and NOT throw the fucking hissy fit you want to throw because he’s had to fucking cancel our last 3 play dates.No, it’s not his fault, I know that. But I still want to throw a fit! (where is the foot stomping emoticon when you need it?). Ooooo…if I was any other woman I would have given him an earful.But I’m not. I’m me, I’m understanding and tolerant and most of all submissive…. to him. Of course he was happy to remind me of the obvious this morning before he took a switch to the sole of my foot…fucking hurts let me tell you! (Yes Maitre, … I know that was my own doing.)

Maybe that’s why I’m so bent out of shape over his having to scrub again. I’m not unreasonable. I know that the vanilla world interferes and all the more so when you aren’t 24/7. But he got inside my head this morning. He reminded me of my place, reinforced it physically, and then suddenly I was denied my time, denied my place to be deeply submissive to him. I was left in this state of mind and body with nowhere to go with it (physically or emotionally). It’s kind of like having sex interrupted, just very frustrating, viscerally frustrating.
This happened to me last week too. I let myself fall deeply down that rabbit hole that is submission. It started with some chat time on Wednesday and I just let it go and go. Only to have both Thursday and Friday yanked away. At least Thursday we had some snuggle time. That felt good, it helped. But then it happened Friday too with the same result, physically and emotionally frustrated. Only Friday there was no face time. Only the phone call to say life had gotten in the way.

It’s not the end of the world and perhaps it’s even a good thing from his POV. Does it deepen my submission to him? Does it make me more willing to fall down that rabbit hole without the certainty of having it rewarded somehow? Does it make me more pliant and easier to put into that frame of mind? More accepting of being here, feeling this way regardless of proximity to him? Hell, for all I know I’ve been purposefully conditioned over the past week or so.

All I know is that is how I feel. I’ve felt deeply submissive to him since this mornings discipline and continue to feel that way. I feel it heavy in my veins. It’s almost painfully frustrating to have no outlet for it, no way to express it. I miss him.