I told a friend the other day that I thought he would make a good submissive. I said it without thinking what his take on it might be. Now, this friend is pretty damn alt. in his own right but BDSM is not his thing all though he has mentioned a certain level of curiosity so I didn’t think twice about it.


Well, yesterday he asked me why I thought he would make a good submissive (this can also read “why I think he is submissive). I explained to him that it was because he is adaptable, because from what I know of him my guess is that for him there is certain level of gratification to adapting to his lover and because he enjoys being pulled into a seduction (as opposed to being the seducer). He enjoys being sexually wrapped around someone’s little finger so to speak.  He positively glows when I grab him by that annoying little tuft of fur hanging from his lower lip. Now if this isn’t someone who is just itching to willingly be brought to heal… hell, I don’t know who is.


It turns out that his take on BDSM was the stereotype that the media portrays, the boot licking groveling submissive being humiliated and tormented by a dom(me). He equated it with being manipulated and demeaned in an abusive manner.

It was a bit of a challenge to articulate the reality and to articulate what it is that brings me to it. How does one explain the chivalry that is so often a subtext to Dominant/submissive relationships? How do you explain that the dominant asks the submissive to endure and how the submissive willing gives of themselves. How do you explain the level of connection and attentiveness that goes into to this give and take. Because after all without the willingness and the mindfulness it would only be abuse and what sane person would voluntarily hand themselves over to abuse?


The “safe, sane and consensual” credo of the community was my starting point. This starting point also made me realize what the outside world doesn’t see.


The outside world doesn’t see the communication that establishes a D/s relationship. The long discussions over wants, desire, longings, limits, triggers both good and bad, aren’t known. The hours spent exploring one another’s psyche is hidden. The outside world also doesn’t see the investment in trust that is made on both sides. These relationships are first and foremost predicated on communication and trust. The trust is given a little bit at a time and is earned. Both sides watch, look, listen to responses, to actions. Is my partner respecting my wishes, is he/she listening and communicating even on the most basic level? Can I trust my partner to keep me safe? All of these elements are things that people who seek a BDSM type relationship consciously and openly contemplate. There is far more thought that goes into these relationships than goes into any ‘vanilla’ relationship I have ever been in.


What the outside world also doesn’t see is the care and nurturing that goes into D/s relationship. Yes, Maitre has at times asked a great deal of me both physically and mentally. He will go on to ask more and more of me as he senses I am ready and that the trust, investment and desire are there. BUT, he takes care of me. Not only in the traditional sense but in ways that aren’t part of a vanilla relationship. He tends to my heart, body and mind, before during and after. There is no rolling over and passing out. There is coming back and talking about it. What worked, what didn’t and why. What I needed but may not have gotten, why I got but didn’t need. THEN we pass out.


It is all given willingly and taken with appreciation. There is a saying in the D/s community. Submission is a gift. Let’s face it, we only give gifts to those we care for and respect.