I can’t get him out of my head. OK, so this is nothing new but it’s more so than usual.

 

Yesterday was intense on many levels. We played, we made love, we spent time just being. And then later I found myself in a twist over ambiguity. He had to leave early but didn’t say why and it rubbed, my insecurities worked at it and when I get like that my emotions get the better of me and I loose clarity. That was the first time I have gotten like that with him. It took a quarter of a year but it happened.

 

As if on cue he reached out to me and as if divine providence was watching over us he was close by. He came to me and we talked. It was just right, just what I needed. All I needed was to be heard and acknowledged. Needed him to try and wrap his head around why I might have been upset.

 

In retrospect, I think it was just another intense moment in an intense day and I just didn’t handle it well.  Our lovemaking was intense, my ascent intense. I just crashed equally as intensely. And while I may have had due cause in saying “hey, what gives, why’d you have to leave? You didn’t tell me”, I’m sure I over reacted. It’s just that I can’t fucking see it sometimes. I get in this fog, this stew of intense emotionality and I can’t see clearly, everything is real and everything is urgent…when it reality they may be neither.

 

As we are together and our relationship becomes richer, running the gambit of possibilities, I’m seeing that his responses to me are thoughtful and feel natural to who he is. It doesn’t seem to matter what he’s facing he handles it right.  Yesterday alone he had to wade through a “no” during play… (as he so astutely pointed out the word I said I never use lol) tears while he held me and my flying off the handle.

 

My “no” – he quietly double checked and when he was sure that is what I meant he honored it and backed off.

 

My tears- he must have known they were tears for B but all he did was quietly asked me if I wanted to tell him, when I shook my head no, he quietly asked me if there was anything he could do other than what he was doing (holding me), and when I shook my head no to that he just quietly held me and stroked me.

 

And when I flew off the handle? His response to me? Quiet reassurance, acknowledgement of my point of view, a validation of it without relinquishing his dignity or stand point and a quiet assurance that he would try communicate better going forward.

 

It seems that he responses are the perfect foil to my intensity… they are quiet, lovingly quiet. Though I know full well that if I got up in his face unjustly he would get right back up in mine…and I’m glad of it.

 

I promised him that I wouldn’t put him on a pedestal and I am not. I am merely stating my observations, it’s just so happens that those observations, his responses, feel very, very good.